For some reason forgiving other people is so much easier than forgiving yourself. I have had this problem my entire life. I can easily forgive other people when they do something wrong, but when it comes to myself, I am not allowed to be human. I think we can be our harshest critics, and that is not really fair to ourselves.

What caused my postpartum OCD to spiral out of control happened a year ago. Caia was four months old. She had started sleeping better, thank goodness. I was actually doing better and was on the path to happiness, or so I had thought. I was sleeping at my parents’ house one night with her, and I was expecting her to sleep at least until 3 a.m.. Unfortunately that did not happen. She woke up around 11, when I had just fallen asleep. I remember I was half asleep and kind of angry that she was up. I got Caia out of bed and went to get her bottle ready. When I was getting the bottle, I shook it a little angrily while holding her. Nothing happened to Caia, but I felt disgusted with myself.

I remember feeding Caia and putting her back in her bed. She even smiled at me. I felt so ashamed and guilty. I did not sleep the rest of the night. I just cried and cried. I even texted my husband about it. He couldn’t believe I was that upset over this. I confessed to my mom and sister the next day and could not stop crying. They told me I was human and needed to be kind to myself. There was no way I could be kind to myself after that. I felt that I did not deserve to be a mom.

I spent the whole day obsessively googling what happened and if it was normal to feel “angry” as a mom. I even sat on my floor and reenacted shaking the bottle to see if I could have accidentally hurt my baby. I did this over and over and over. Nothing made me feel better. I had to stay at my parents’ house again that night and take a Benadryl to sleep. How could I allow myself to be like that around my baby? I could NEVER forgive myself. From that point on I felt like I did not deserve to be a mother.

I had no idea at the time, but this was a major symptom of postpartum OCD. I could not stop obsessing over it and fixated on it for months. I mean months. What I learned in therapy was that I was in survival mode at the time due to my postpartum OCD. I deserved kindness and to be kind to myself. I am only human, and I am a fabulous mother. Every human makes mistakes. No one is perfect, and we all just do the best we can. Be kind and forgive yourself.