One of the scariest symptoms of my postpartum OCD was the panic attacks I experienced. I have had OCD my entire life, but it was never on the same level that my postpartum OCD episode has been. I have never been consumed by something to this level. All I could think about every day all day and all night was my intrusive thoughts and worried constantly if I would hurt my own daughter.

Around this time last year was when I experienced my first panic attack. It completely caught my off guard. I was feeding Caia a bottle, just sitting with her on the couch. All of a sudden I thought in my mind, “what if I would choke her with this?” I had just read the book Verity, by Colleen Hoover. There was a scene in that book like it. Once I had the thought, I could not do anything. My palms started sweating. My vision got blurry. My heart raced.

I was still feeding Caia when this happened, so I did the only thing I knew to do to keep her safe. I stopped feeding her and put her in her crib. I was so sad that I was trying to keep my daughter safe from me, her own mother. Once I calmed myself down, I took Caia over to my parent’s house. I could not be alone with her from that moment on.

Of course when I went over to my mom’s house, I acted like everything was completely normal. How could I tell anyone what had just happened? If I said something, I would be locked up and Caia would be taken from me. Or so I’d thought. I would find any excuse I could when my husband was working to go over to my parent’s house. I had never felt so helpless. When I was there, I had to pretend like my world wasn’t falling apart. It was the most exhausting thing I have ever done.

If I was alone with Caia at all, I would have the same feeling as I did the first time I had that panic attack. My heart would race, palms would sweat, and my vision would get blurry. I felt like I was stuck on a ride and could not find the way out of it. On top of all of this that I was feeling, I was trying to be Caia’s mom. How could I be a good mom to her when I was scared of being alone with her?

I had no idea why I was feeling the way that I did. I just assumed this was how I would have to live my life now. I felt like I was going to be in survival mode forever. However, that is not true. No one should have to live the way that I did or have the same feeling. Therapy has taught me that I shouldn’t feel that way and I CAN be happy. I CAN be alone with Caia and I am a safe space for her. When I think back to how I felt back then, I feel so sad for myself. If you could take anything away from this post, please do not hide your symptoms like I did. It won’t help, and sharing your symptoms won’t get your baby taken away. Postpartum OCD is very real and no one deserves to live how I did for months.