When I was pregnant with Caia, I had no idea what to expect with my life. I had no idea how to be a parent or even hold a baby. The whole nine months, I kind of put off what it would be like to be a mom. I had heard it all from “needing to sleep while I can” to “you won’t have any freedom anymore.” I kind of blew off those statements. My life was not going to change at all when Caia was born, or so I’d thought.

I just assumed my life would go on exactly as it had before when I became a mom. I remember taking this sleep class online with my husband a couple weeks before Caia was born. It said that I would have to get up to feed her every three hours. I was like wow, okay, I can do that. I thought it would be easy. Fast forward to when she was born, I could NOT get up at night. I had never had to do this before. It was a nightmare for me. I struggled with this part so much. Luckily, I had my husband and mom who really stepped up to help me.

One day a few weeks after Caia was born, I remember crying because I couldn’t even go outside. I was trapped inside with a baby 24/7. I had never felt so suffocated. I kept hearing that it would get better, and I did not feel like that at all. Not only did I lose my freedom, but I also lost my career. I chose to give up my teaching career, which I held onto so tightly. I felt like it was more important for me to be home with Caia. My whole entire world was different within a couple days, and I was not prepared for that change. All that I knew from my life was no longer there.

In the early days and months of motherhood, I just sat and watched everyone I know live their lives as normal. I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down. All I could do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I know that looking back a lot of these feelings had to do with my postpartum OCD, but also becoming a new mom is probably the biggest life change a person can go through. In my months of therapy, I had to basically grieve my life and the version of myself that I was. Instead I gained a whole new life and a new version of myself that I like better. I have a beautiful daughter who makes me laugh and smile every day. Life is different now, and that is okay.