I am so thankful I had a therapy appointment this week, because I really needed to hear this. I have had a fear in the back of my mind that since I am remembering how I felt last year, that it means I am regressing into my former postpartum OCD sick self. Having a fear of because of how I felt does not mean I am going back in time. It just means that I am remembering how I felt. What I went through was traumatic, so of course, I am going to remember what happened to me.

Let me start by explaining this started a couple of weeks ago for me. When the month changed from September to October, something switched in me. Suddenly, all of my feelings from last year came flooding back. October was the month that I could no longer keep a lid on my symptoms for my postpartum OCD, and I completely lost it. I had never felt so out of control in my entire life.

I am not kidding when I say that everything reminds me of last October. Everything is the same: the weather, the season, the activities, and the holidays. I can’t even look outside my window right now because seeing how the leaves have changed remind me exactly of last year. I have been doing all of the same things I did last year, except I can’t watch any Halloween movies. It is so hard to look at everything around me and remember how I felt last year.

Some of the worst days I had last October, involved me sitting outside with Caia everyday. It’s not the sitting outside part that was bad. It was the reason why I was sitting outside. I sat outside everyday with her, cold or not, because I thought there would be no way that I could hurt her if cars drove by and saw us. I was counting on random people driving by to babysit me while I was alone with my baby. I had never felt so low in my life. No mom should ever have to feel like this.

I am so lucky to have the therapist that I have. She has been so supportive of me in my recovery. I was reminded at my appointment that I experienced some serious trauma with my postpartum OCD. It takes a long time to heal from that. I learned that I should try to make new good memories with Caia that will replace all of the negative ones I experienced. I have come so far with my recovery. Just because I remember what I went through, does not mean I am having a relapse. I hope that if you are going through this you know that too.