Guilt is what almost took me down with postpartum OCD. At first, I felt guilt that I wasn’t as happy as I should be with a newborn. Then I started feeling guilty that I resented my new life. The guilt that I didn’t like being a mom as much as I thought I would hurt me to my core. I felt like the worst person in the entire world, and I did not think my daughter deserved me as her mom. I know now that all of my feelings I had were because of the suffering from having postpartum OCD. At the time, I just felt like a mess.

At first, the guilt I felt would come and go after Caia was born, but when I felt it, it was terrible. As time went on, the guilt was there more often and for longer periods of time. By the time fall hit when Caia was 8 months old, I felt guilt all day. It was miserable. The guilt led me to fearing my own baby. I would never wish that upon anyone else. I couldn’t sleep because of the guilt I felt. I just wanted to run away and hide. However, I could not do that because I had a little baby who depended on me.

By the time the fall rolled around last year, I was just a shell of myself consumed with guilt. I didn’t feel that I deserved to be a mother. I would have random crying fits at my parents’ house and break down. I never felt so small and weak. My mom would offer to give me a break and keep Caia over night. Unfortunately, I couldn’t escape the guilt even when I was alone. Nothing made me feel better. I was so embarrassed that I was having these feelings towards motherhood.

Eventually, I had that terrible breakdown where I could no longer take the guilt I was suffering from in my mind. I am so thankful this happened because I don’t know how much longer I could have gone on living with that guilt. Therapy helped me see that all of those feelings are normal as a mom. My mom kept Caia over at her house last night, and I was so happy because I genuinely miss her. All I felt was guilt before. No mom deserves to live with that kind of guilt. I wish I had known sooner that all of my feelings were completely normal. Please reach out if you ever feel like I did.