“It takes a village to raise a child,” is something I have heard so many people say to me since Caia was born. Let me tell you, if you have postpartum OCD that statement does not apply to you. In the middle of my postpartum OCD, I felt nothing but guilt when dealing with Caia. The guilt really came out when someone tried to help me take care of Caia. I remember feeling like I had to present with her at all times because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I couldn’t handle her or that she was their responsibility. I felt like I had to be with Caia 24/7 because I was her mom.

When I was unable to keep a lid on my symptoms, that’s when I started really showing people I needed help. I will forever be grateful to my mom for that time period. She dropped everything she had to help me take care of Caia. I think she knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what exactly. My mom would stay at my house at night or I would spend all of my time with her at her house. I hated feeling that weak, but I knew I could no longer function on a normal level at that time. I don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t helped me through those horrible months.

My husband was the first person I showed my cracks to with my postpartum OCD. I felt the pressure of being present at all times with Caia because he worked, and I was staying at home. In my mind, I didn’t deserve a break from being a mom. I know now that was entirely unfair, and it was mostly my postpartum OCD talking. When I finally broke down to my husband, he told me I needed a break and would do anything to help me when he could. I still didn’t feel better though.

When I finally told my family what I had been experiencing with my symptoms and intrusive thoughts/obsessions, no one was kinder to me than my sister. She was the one who could relate the most to me. She never once judged me for what I told her. I am so grateful to her for that because I know when I explained to people that I was afraid of being a murder to my own child, that I would be judged tremendously. It is nice to have someone tell you it’s okay and not be afraid of me. Telling anyone about my symptoms was terrifying.

While my family was always there for me during my struggles with postpartum OCD, it was my therapist who really saved my life. She told me what I was experiencing was postpartum OCD, and that I would be able to get my life back. In that first appointment with her, I finally felt relief. I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me for so long. She helped me build back my confidence, learn to trust myself as a mother, and helped me enjoy life for once. I will never be able to repay her for the help she gave me during the last year.

Looking back on the beginning of my experience with motherhood, I know that I had a really rough time. I wish I had spent less time worrying what everyone else thought of me and focused more on what I needed. I needed help, and I refused to accept it. Now, I am able to breathe and relax because I can tell people when I need help, and actually let them. I am not a burden and neither is Caia. No one can raise a child completely by themselves. It truly does take a village and don’t let postpartum OCD get in your way of asking people for what you need.