What made my intrusive thoughts so scary during my postpartum OCD was that I was keeping them all inside. I felt there was no way I could share what I was feeling or thinking inside because that is what I thought would get Caia taken away from me. What I learned from my therapist was that the only way through the postpartum OCD was to be fully honest and transparent about my intrusive thoughts. As hard as it was to open up and share them, she was right. I thought it could be helpful if I share some of my worst intrusive thoughts here so moms don’t feel as alone.

My first scary intrusive thought that I had was when Caia was a couple of weeks old. I thought, “what if I accidentally left her outside in the cold?” I then kept thinking, “why would I think something that awful?” It scared me. I didn’t share this thought with anyone and just kept living my life. Putting that one out of my mind was easy at first, but over time as my thoughts got worse, it became more difficult to ignore them.

What really set me on a bad path with my OCD was when I was woken up unexpectedly by Caia in the middle of the night. I was getting the bottle ready and remember shaking the bottle out of anger while holding her. I remember snapping out of that, and I thought “what if I just hurt her because I was upset?” I didn’t sleep the rest of the night or any other night after that. I didn’t want to be caught in that vulnerable state again. I even went back to my room the next day and tried to replay the event repeatedly pretending to hold her and shake a bottle to see if I maybe hurt her. This was ridiculous, and a symptom of my postpartum OCD, but I couldn’t get rid of the thought.

My thoughts over time progressed from “what if I accidentally did this, to what if I did it on purpose?” That is where the whole “what if I am a murderer?” thoughts started happening. I can remember one specific one that really scared me, and I do not like to think about it to this day. I watched the show called Dirty John about Betty Broderick. There was one scene at the end where Dan and his wife were smiling at Betty in her jail cell after she killed them. I kept picturing Caia smiling at me in my jail cell after that happened with me. It made me sick , and I felt guilt to my core. I honestly want to cry writing this right now. I had never been so scared or disturbed in my entire life, but this thought played on repeat in my head.

The last main intrusive thought I had that set me on my path towards a breakdown was from the movie Shutter Island. The mom in there had killed her kids and acted as if that was completely normal. I started thinking, “what if I did that?” Andrea Yates kept popping in my head after that, and it made me sick to even have that thought in my mind. Because of this, I had to start hiding what I considered “weapons” in my house, like the baseball bat. I had to lay in my bed a certain way at night so I wouldn’t get up to go to my daughter’s room to hurt her. I couldn’t sleep. I was miserable.

Sharing these thoughts was not easy, because I know to someone without OCD this sounds completely crazy. These thoughts made me miserable for months. I could not live my life normally. My whole life revolved around my intrusive thoughts and avoiding triggers that would make me scared. I couldn’t be with Caia alone; I wanted someone to babysit me. However, sharing these thoughts with my therapist was the only way for me to truly get better, and I am glad the intrusive thoughts don’t hold me back anymore. If you are a mom dealing with postpartum OCD, I hope this helps you feel less alone.