One of my biggest OCD fears has always been that people will not like me. For the last ten years, it has been easier for me to not get too close to people in case they don’t like me. I would just avoid social situations or cut people out before I felt they would do that to me. Obviously this was not a healthy way to live, but it was the only way I knew to protect myself. My self confidence for my whole life was basically at a zero, so it was easy for me to assume I was always the problem and unlikeable.

When I got my golden retriever, Hugs, in 2019, I was afraid even he wouldn’t like me. I felt like he would like everyone else better than me, so I felt like I shouldn’t even try to get him to like me. Sometimes it is just easier for me to give up with everyone than risk getting hurt. Looking back on this time, I realize how much my OCD influenced my life. I mean being afraid even a dog won’t like me, is not a good feeling.

When Caia was born, the situation was no different. I felt like she would not like me, so it was easier for me to let other people be with her. The fear of not being liked by my own daughter was something I could not bear. Because of being so weak with my self-confidence, I would just listen to what everyone else told me to do as a parent. In reality, I was a perfectly capable 27 year old, who could make my own decisions. I will never forget my therapist telling me I was like I was on 16 and Pregnant, acting like I needed other people to make my choices. She was 100% right.

I started worrying that I wasn’t doing enough as a mom. I was questioning every choice I made. People would ask me why I didn’t take Caia to all the places I should be taking her, like story times, or out to lunch. To be honest, I didn’t really enjoy those kind of activities at the time. I was just trying to survive. This made me worry that I wasn’t doing enough to make Caia happy. Once I started thinking like this, it was really hard for me to get out of it. I was just not in a happy place as a person or a mom.

What I have learned through my therapy, and just being with Caia, is that your kids will love you no matter what. There are some days Caia and I just sit on the couch together and watch Little Bear together, and she is perfectly happy. We can just play together doing absolutely nothing and have a great time. Kids don’t need all the extra flashy things, they just need moms who love them. That is what I strive to be for Caia everyday. I never go a day without telling her I love her. I am happy to just spend time with her in a better place and know that we will always be best friends.