I learned this in therapy yesterday, and it has been really eye opening for me. Ever since I went through postpartum OCD with Caia, I have been trying to make up for what I feel like she lost during that time. I feel like I have to make it up to her somehow. When I found out I was pregnant with Emmi, I never wanted her to experience me as the mom I was when I struggled with postpartum OCD. I felt like I had to do the opposite of what I did with Caia or I would be reverting back to the OCD behaviors.

When Caia was first born, I would have done anything to go back to my old life. I felt suffocated and that my life was over. Now I know that was my postpartum OCD talking to me. Because of this, I didn’t hold Caia as much as I wanted to at the time. I can’t even describe the guilt I feel for this. The adjustment to this huge life change was extremely difficult for me. I could not accept that my life was different, while everyone else’s around me was the same. As time went on, and my postpartum OCD got worse, I started wanting to avoid Caia because I felt like I couldn’t keep her safe. That is why I spent most of my time at my parents’, because I knew she would be safe with us there.

Now that I have Emmi here, I have been trying to do the complete opposite of what I did with Caia. I hold her all of the time, I made sure I learned how to breastfeed properly, and I made sure to prepare myself for postpartum. Not that those things are bad, but I have put a lot of pressure on myself to make up for what I feel that Caia lost. Watching my experience with Emmi reminds me of what I feel like I didn’t do for Caia, and that makes me extremely sad because I love them both so much. I hate that Caia had to experience me with postpartum OCD for most of the first year of her life.

In my therapy appointment yesterday, I explained all of this to my therapist. I didn’t even realize how unhealthy that my behavior was until she helped me see it. She helped me see that I always kept Caia safe, even when I was struggling so much. I always made sure she was fed, changed, and happy. I tend to see the negative in my life and never the positives. My therapist also talked to me about how my current behavior is anxiety driven. Since I have OCD all of the time, not just postpartum OCD, most of my thoughts are surrounded by anxiety. I am just so used to it because I have dealt with it my whole life. Me trying to do the opposite with Emmi is not going to change my experience with postpartum OCD. It is only going to make my life harder and more isolating by not letting anyone help.

I can sit here all day and night long wishing I never had postpartum OCD, but that isn’t ever going to change the fact that I did. I DID have postpartum OCD, and it helped me be a better mom. I have always been a good mom to Caia, and I will continue to do so for her and Emmi. Navigating motherhood is difficult for anyone, and I am going to lean on my resources instead of trying to do everything myself. I will never achieve the “perfection” my OCD strives so hard for me to reach as a mom, but I will always be the best mom to my girls that I love more than anything. I am a good mom and always have been, and so are you. Don’t let your OCD or anxiety convince you otherwise.