Being a new parent is definitely scary. Coming home from the hospital to take care of your newborn by yourself is a very daunting experience, especially for first time parents. There are so many rules we are expected to follow to keep our babies “safe.” I personally feel that these expectations are a little unrealistic because every baby is different. Spending all the time I did with Caia worrying if I was keeping her safe based on these standards 100% contributed to my spiral with postpartum OCD.

At Caia’s first doctor appointment after she was born, they started by immediately showing me how she compared to other babies based on her height, weight, and head circumference. When I saw how small Caia was compared to other babies, I felt like I was failing her. I stopped breastfeeding because of this. I have had no issues with breastfeeding Emmi, and I know I could have continued with Caia, but those comparisons made me feel like I was the problem. I wish I wouldn’t have let that discourage me.

While the results at the doctor stressed me out, they didn’t even compare to the sleeping rules. We are told during pregnancy, at the hospital, and all over the internet that babies have to sleep flat on their backs with absolutely nothing in their bassinets or cribs. I learned very quickly that these are not realistic rules for babies. What person likes to sleep flat on their backs with nothing with them?! I know I don’t. I tried everything in my power to get Caia to sleep in her bassinet, all to no avail. I kept thinking that Caia was going to die because of this, and that she would get SIDS all because of me. The guilt I felt from not sleeping in her bassinet made me sick.

Caia slept in a little seat that my mom had for me in the 90’s until she was eight months old. I did everything to get her to sleep “safely” in her crib or bassinet. She absolutely refused to sleep anywhere else. I worried myself sick over that seat for months. Then randomly one day, Caia slept in her crib. From then on, she refused to sleep anywhere else. Looking back on it, I let the perspective of what I “should” be doing for Caia ruin my experience. The guilt and stress I felt from the sleeping rules definitely set me on the path to experience postpartum OCD.

I know that the doctors showing us the growth charts and having sleeping rules isn’t designed to create stress over our babies. However, both easily can. What I learned from my postpartum OCD experience is that I can’t let myself compare Caia or Emmi to other babies. Comparison is the thief of joy. Babies do things in their own time and on their own terms. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel like you aren’t doing what you “should” be doing for your baby. We know what’s best for our babies even if it doesn’t fit exactly in the box of unrealistic expectations set for them. I am going to enjoy my time with Emmi and not stress myself out over something that will come in its own time.