Ever since I started therapy I have tried to be really positive about everything in my life. Sometimes you have a bad week and just need to get out your negative feelings. My greatest fear, or core fear, with my OCD is disappointing myself. Deep down, I have always felt like I could be good at what I am doing, but not good enough. It always seemed that no matter how much work or effort I put into what I was doing, that I was good, but not good enough to win or be the best. I am not sure I want to feel that way, but I always feel like I disappoint myself when that happens.

Growing up, I was on the swim team. I know sports are about making friends and being on a team, but I wanted to win. I was good at swimming, but never good enough to win at states. I don’t know why, but this disappointed myself. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, but I felt like that wouldn’t happen unless I was the best. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, I would not be the best. It felt like there was always someone who was going to be better at me in swimming. That was not a good feeling for me.

School was a another place where I felt like I was disappointing myself for not being good enough. It started in first grade when I was tested for the gifted program. I was told I was too worried about being “right” to be accepted. I watched other people get in the program and felt so upset with myself for not being good enough. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me for not making it. Anytime I got a B or anything less than an A, I instantly blamed myself. In my mind, school was something where I could control my success, and when I couldn’t, I was disappointing myself.

When I became a teacher, that was another place for me to feel like I was not good enough. I was a good teacher, but I felt like I was not good enough to meet my own standards. The kids liked me, they learned from me, and I was good at discipline, but I never was able to “be the best.” I am not really sure what the best would be, because for some reason I hold myself to ridiculously high expectations. Whenever someone else would win an award or get recognized for doing well, I would instantly take it as a moment where I disappointed myself for not being the person who won or who was recognized.

Postpartum OCD was another huge disappointment to myself. I felt like I was a huge disappointment for going through a mental health struggle I couldn’t fix. It forced me to finally look myself in the mirror and work on my faults. Then I created this blog where I was hoping to help other moms who have been through the same thing as me. No matter how many moms I have helped, I still feel like I am not good enough. I know that this is just a bad week, and sometimes you have to get out the negative feelings. One day, I hope to overcome the fear of disappointing myself to be the best version of me.