As someone who is a perfectionist and struggles with OCD, I wanted there to be a set rule book to follow as a new mom.I thought if I did A, B, and C, I would get a certain result. For me, I needed specific guidelines to help me navigate this challenging new time in my life. It would have been nice if the hospital could give you an instruction manual for your baby before you leave the hospital. Those instructions never came. I was on my own. As time went on, I realized there was no rulebook for motherhood, and I started to panic. I have a difficult time navigating new situations without rules laid out for me. I have always been that way.

So many things are out of our control as mothers when it comes to our babies. My number one example I always go to was how I had issues breastfeeding Caia. I assumed that I would just naturally know how to breastfeed, and I did not. Sadly, now that I have more experience with breastfeeding, I know that it could have been different with Caia. At the time, I couldn’t control that she wasn’t getting enough milk, and that I had to switch to formula. I assumed someone would tell me how to breastfeed, and then it would be easy. Obviously, that was not the case.

When Caia was four months old, we took her to the beach. My beautiful golden retriever, Hugs, had to stay back with my in-laws. When we got home, we immediately went to pick him up. Hugs was so excited that we were back that he jumped right into the car in the back seat. Unfortunately, his paw hit Caia in the head causing it to bleed. Hugs did not do it on purpose; he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but we had to figure out what to do with Caia. She went to the ER, and it wasn’t as bad as we thought. In that moment, I wanted someone to tell me exactly what to do step-by-step. That couldn’t happen, and I had to make my own decision. This is something I was not used to, and the guilt I felt from what happened stayed with me for months.

Fast forward to today, I was taking my almost three-month old, Emmi with me to get coffee. She was slightly fussy as we were driving, but getting an iced coffee is usually fast. Today, for whatever reason, there had to be a person in front of us at the drive-thru ordering ten iced coffees. Emmi was getting more upset by the minute. She cried so hard; I had never heard her cry like that. I was trying to figure out what to do, but I had already ordered my coffee. Emmi cried so hard that she was coughing. I decided instantly to grab her from her seat to sit with me. I am so glad I did, because was almost to the point of choking. She calmed down, but it took awhile. When I had postpartum OCD with Caia, something like this would have eaten me alive. I would have thought, I was a terrible mother and didn’t deserve Emmi. I know that is not true; I did what I thought was best at the time.

What I have learned during my two years as a mother, is that no mom knows exactly what they are doing. Every baby is different. I will never be handed an instruction book with directions on how to handle my two daughters. I have to do what I feel is best given the situation. For someone with OCD like mine, this is extremely challenging. I want every situation controlled and for everyone to be safe. Certainty is something I desperately want. Therapy taught me that certainty is never possible. I can only do my best. Everyday there is always a new fire to put out, and that is okay. Our babies love us no matter what even if we make mistakes.