In my mind, there is nothing worse than an extreme OCD trigger that shakes you to your core. I haven’t had one in awhile, so I guess it was time for me to be due for one. When I am in a good headspace, it is so easy for me to talk about all the positivity with postpartum OCD symptoms and recovery. If I start struggling with intrusive thoughts and triggers, then I almost go into a panic and instantly think I am regressing. I forget all of my progress in those moments, and I start spiraling. Lately, I have been able to get myself out of those moments, except for my most recent episode.

I had been doing so well with managing my intrusive thoughts, and I was very proud of myself. My husband and I had even been getting back into true crime shows. I will admit that I still cannot watch anything that involves the death of children especially at the hands of their parents. Last weekend, my husband and I watched a move called Fractured on Netflix. It was about a man who accidentally killed his wife and daughter and had no recollection of this happening. This was my absolute WORST fear of life. At the end of the movie, I lost it. I had a straight up panic attack and couldn’t stop crying.

Ever since I watched that movie, I have been having more intrusive thoughts, the scary kind. I am mad at myself for allowing this to happen. That movie really scared me though. I am terrified that I will do something when I am angry, lose control, hurt my daughters and not be able to take it back. Then, I would disappoint the two most important things in my life and myself. It makes me sick to my stomach. With my rational mind, I know that these thoughts are ridiculous, but with my OCD mind, I am completely terrified. These are the moments when I tend to forget how far I have come. I would hate to go back to the place where I was afraid to be alone with my baby.

I am trying my absolute best to not let this movie ruin my progress, but it really triggered a fear that was deep inside me. After I had my panic attack, my husband said we couldn’t watch movies anymore, and he was right. I have such a hard time watching movies, shows, or reading books where I cannot predict what will happen or potentially can get triggered. I hate living my life like that. I never had to worry about things like this before my postpartum OCD, but postpartum OCD really changed me. I have to worry about so many things I never had to worry about before my diagnosis.

Sadly, I even noticed myself engaging in some compulsions as a result from watching Fractured. My husband borrowed a saw from my dad to work on our shower. He asked me if I would take it back to my dad and told me it was already in my car. I started remembering how I felt to want to hide what I considered to be a “weapon.” I wanted to hide the saw, but I didn’t. I mean, I cannot tell you the last time I had to do this. I am also back to avoiding anything that will “trigger” my fears. It really sucks to have to live like this.

I know that I need to be kind to myself in these moments, but I am really disappointed that I let myself get this triggered by a movie. I truly think it unlocked a dark fear that I have not addressed in therapy yet and need to talk about in my sessions. In a way, I can try to look at this as a positive because it will hopefully further my recovery from postpartum OCD. I don’t want to be the person that avoids living my life because I am trying to avoid anything that will trigger my fears. Sometimes, it takes an extreme trigger to make us stronger, because let’s face it, triggers are everywhere.