Now that I am free from postpartum OCD, I can see all of the hard work I had to put into my treatment to get better. I realize now that postpartum OCD was not something I was going to get out of by myself. I needed help. Just admitting I needed help was hard for me because I didn’t want anyone to know what I had been going through. I had to tell my parents that I was afraid of becoming Andrea Yates of all people. Imagine the feeling of disappointment I felt sharing that with my parents. I know now that I did nothing wrong, but seeing their faces hurt my heart. They told me I would lose my daughter, which wasn’t true by the way.

Telling my parents was the first step in my treatment. The second part was equally hard. I had to get on an SSRI because I knew there was something off hormonally in my brain. I went through three SSRIs before Lexapro actually stuck and started to help. Zoloft made me feel jittery and worsened my intrusive thoughts, Prozac made me feel suicidal, and finally Lexapro began to work for me. This was not a short process either. I tried each of these SSRIs for weeks, and that was hard. Going through the feelings of intense intrusive and suicidal thoughts really scared me.

The next step in getting treatment was finding a therapist to help me. Medication alone was not going to fix my problems. I went to a therapist through an online platform that made my intrusive thoughts even worse by talking to me about hallucinations. This person had no idea what postpartum OCD was, so I never went back. Even when I found the most fabulous therapist who was certified in perinatal mental health, I still wasn’t fixed right away. I had to uncover and undo years of unhealthy behaviors from OCD that led me to where I was with postpartum OCD. I went to therapy weekly for a year to become recovered.

Putting in this kind of work was absolutely hard for me, but it was totally worth it. If I had gone untreated, who knows where I would be today. Living my life afraid every single day that I would become a monster and murder my child tormented me. I couldn’t live my life. If I hadn’t gone to get treatment, I could very well still be living like that. Hiding my symptoms and pretending my life was perfect could have very well ended my life. It was absolutely hard for me to take the steps to get treatment, but going untreated would have been much harder. Please reach out if you feel like you need help, I promise the treatment it worth it.