I will be thirty years old in two weeks, and sometimes I forget that I don’t have to get permission to do things from other people. It has always been a challenge in my life to make decisions on my own, especially if someone doesn’t like the choice that I make. I could easily be influenced by the person that I would be talking to at the moment. You don’t like what I am wearing? Great, I will go change. You don’t like how I say something? Great, I’ll change it. You don’t like how I parent? Okay, I will work on changing that. I mean this is how I have lived my life for thirty-years, and I didn’t realize how miserable it made me.

Having postpartum OCD kind of woke me up, thankfully. Me allowing other people in my life to dictate what I was doing definitely played a role in me developing postpartum OCD. I didn’t trust myself at all to make any decisions about my life for me or my baby. This led to me looking at anyone else to help me decide what to do as a person and mom. I felt like I was not good enough to make any major life decisions because everything I did was wrong, so I stopped making choices. What a terrible space this was for me.

Leading to my postpartum OCD diagnosis, I had never felt so out of control of my own life. I couldn’t bear to make a decision for my family because I was terrified of disappointing everyone else. Somewhere in the last ten years, I had lost my voice, and I had no idea how to get it back. I didn’t even realize how much of a problem this was for me until I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD and started going to therapy. I truly was a shell of my former self and needed help getting my life back on track.

One of the most challenging decisions I had to make for myself was deciding whether or not to go back to teaching. I felt like I was disappointing the people in my life, but even worse I was disappointing myself. I had written on any class assignment and told every person who asked me that I wanted to be a teacher. I felt like I was disappointing myself for wanting a change. How could I betray myself and do something different with my life? The truth is I was really unhappy at my job. I want to do something else, and that is okay. I am a very black and white type of person, and my therapist taught me that life isn’t black and white. Things in life change.

When I made the decision to quit teaching, I finally felt like I was able to make decisions for my life again. It took me a year to make this decision, but it was mine. I didn’t let anyone other than my husband help me with this choice. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I was able to do that in my life. Like I said before, having postpartum OCD opened my eyes to how unhealthy I was living before. I deserve to make decisions for myself and my family because I need to be the one who knows what is best for me. I am so happy I found my voice again.