I genuinely do not know the answer to this question. People pleasing behavior can lead you down a bad path, and I am afraid that happened to me. I know who each person in my life needs me to be, so I mold myself to fit their needs. This behavior is so unhealthy, but I have been deathly afraid of people not liking me, so that is why I tried to be what everyone else needed me to be. All of this was done in hopes of people liking me. Deep down, somewhere I lost myself, and that makes me really sad.

Thinking back, I can pinpoint exactly when I stopped showing myself to people. This happened after my freshman year of college. My life was changed forever that year. That was the year I lost my best friend, and I felt rejected by so many people. Because of that happening, I chose to never put myself in a situation where I could get that hurt again. This meant never truly opening up to people because I was so terrified of people not liking the real me. I have done this for over ten years now, sadly.

When my therapist asked me who I am, I sat there and could not tell her. I can tell you who I am with each person I hang out with, but not who I am on my own. No person should live like that. The only person in my life who sees the true me is my husband. He has been in my life for twelve years, including during my freshman year of college, and has seen it all. I can be my complete self with him, and I know he will never judge me. When I am with him, that is the only time I feel truly free. I am so thankful that I have him as a safe space to let the “real me” out. I don’t even let me family see the real me anymore.

Since I am about to be thirty, I am on a mission to figure out who I am. The person I was before my freshman year of college was carefree, funny, and had a lot of friends. I was able to make jokes, laugh, and be my true self. That is the person I still am when I am with my husband. I love that version of myself, but I am afraid other people won’t. My therapist has really helped me see that I have to like myself, and there is no point to life unless you are your true self. I can’t let what happened to me over ten years ago control my life anymore. I will figure out who I am, and never let anyone take that away from me again.