When my therapist asked me to name something good that I did last week, I was at a complete loss. I could not think of one thing that was good to say. The problem was there were definitely good things that happened to me, but I was too focused on all the negativity to appreciate anything good. My therapist asking me that question was kind of a wake up call for me. I have been in such a funk lately, and I think this has been part of the problem. No one can be happy when all we think about it the negativity in our lives.

A pattern that I am starting to realize in my life is that I am constantly looking for something “big” that is good for me to celebrate. Small successes really seem to mean nothing in my life, which is sad. I can sit there and ignore the twenty small successes I have had only to focus on the one negative aspect of my day. Living like this makes me miserable. I am not sure what happened to me, but somewhere I learned to become my own harshest critic.

For example, during my freshman year of college, I felt completely out of control. The only aspect of my life I felt like I could control were my grades. I got all A’s my first semester and one B. I cried for days. I was so focused on the one B that I got that I forgot to celebrate all of the A’s I worked hard for that semester. I remember sitting in my bed, crying, feeling like I was the world’s biggest failure. Looking back on that, I wish I would have handled that completely differently. I should have gone out to dinner to celebrate my amazing grades, not hide in my room to judge myself for getting one B.

Unfortunately, I have continued this pattern as a mom. Focusing on the one negative as a mom every single day definitely contributed to my postpartum OCD. I could obsess over something I did “wrong” with Caia for days. These obsessions led me to think that I was a terrible mother and a potential murderer. Both which were the furthest thing from the truth. I am trying so hard to not let myself fall into these unhealthy behavior patterns, but it seems that I am slipping lately.

Like I said, my therapist asking me that question of what happened to me that was good was a huge wake up call. I am so glad she asked me that because it brought me back to reality. I have so many small successes to be proud of in my life, and I have to remember that. I have two beautiful daughters that I am able to be alone with without being terrified, I have my blog that helps moms with postpartum OCD, and I have my recovery from my postpartum OCD that I have worked so hard to achieve. I have accomplished so much in the last two years, and I deserve to celebrate my hard work. I am no longer going to hide in my room crying because I am not that person anymore; my small successes mean something.