That is all I have heard since I have started dealing with postpartum OCD. It is easier said than done. Hearing this sometimes would even make me angry or upset. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be kind to myself for what I was going through. I had the hardest time recognizing that postpartum OCD wasn’t my fault. I blamed myself for a long time for my diagnosis. Maybe it was karma because I thought I had been a bad person. Or maybe I was being punished because I wasn’t liking being a mom as much as I should have been. Neither of those things are true. I personally got postpartum OCD because I have been dealing with OCD my whole life and was totally unaware. It actually runs in my family.

Now the hard part was learning how to be kind to myself. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be a human being once I became a mom. I felt like I had to be “the mom” at all times. Meaning I had to focus my entire life on Caia and completely neglect myself. I have learned that is a horrible way to live and contributed to why I am dealing with postpartum OCD as severely as I have been. I am now understanding that I am still the same person I was before I was a mom, and I deserve to be happy too. If I am happy, then my daughter will be as well.

Here are five tips on how I started changing my frame of mind in order to be kinder to myself. Trust me it is harder than it sounds, but if you are dealing with postpartum OCD then try these in small steps. It will make you a lot happier and help you get through your experience.

ONE: Admit when you need help!! This is probably my most important tip. I did not do this ever. I spent all of my time being a mom and did not ask one person for help, not even my husband. I never took a break. This caused me to spiral and ending up hitting my breaking point. I learned that I deserved a break, even if my job was being a stay at home mom. Everyone deserves a break. Ask your husband or partner to watch your baby even if it is just for ten minutes to take a shower or sit on your phone. Any little bit counts. Trust me it is a huge relief to have some time to be by yourself.

TWO: Don’t be so hard on yourself. I had a difficult time with this one myself. Every single time I had an intrusive thought, a bad day, anxiety, or had a hard time parenting, I would beat myself up. I saw it strictly as a weakness. It is not. I am a human being with feelings and a first time mom with postpartum OCD. I had to start realizing that I was my harshest critic. I would get so down on myself and just cry. Through this experience, I learned that I should try to view myself as a friend. What would I say to my friend who was going through this? I would say do not be so hard on yourself. I have no idea why I couldn’t do that for myself for the longest time. Once I accepted that I was a human being with postpartum OCD, it became easier. If you are dealing with postpartum OCD, try to view yourself as a friend. Talk to yourself that way. It will get easier not being so hard on yourself and help you let go of the inner critic.

Three: Speak to yourself with kinder words. Every time I struggled with my diagnosis, I would speak so negatively about the experience. I literally hated myself sometimes. I lived in the constant state of “what is wrong with you?” Then it progressed to “you are a terrible mother and you cannot handle it.” Of course speaking to my own self like this did not help me in any way. If anything, it caused me to believe what I was saying. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is why I asked for reassurances from everyone else. I couldn’t tell my own self that I was doing a good job. I started trying to turn my negative self talk into positive words. I would try to see any little positive experience with motherhood or my diagnosis and tell myself I was doing a good job. For example, my daughter loves the Cocomelon song “The Wheels on the Bus.” For weeks I had been trying to teach her how to do the motions for “open and shut.” She just started doing it recently. I was so happy I taught her that. ME. I did; no one else. I celebrated that moment of positivity and told myself I was doing a good job and taught my daughter a new skill. Any time you are dealing with self-doubt or seeing your diagnosis in a negative light, try to remember the little things and tell yourself you are doing a good job. Speaking to yourself more kindly will help you become happier.

Four: Reframe your negative thinking to positive. For me this was extremely difficult. For 28 years, I have been “the glass is half empty” type of person. I saw the negative in every situation. My journey to motherhood started off that way in the beginning with my issues with being unable to breastfeed when I thought I should. From then on, I saw every experience with motherhood as negative. Since I was thinking that way, it made me so unhappy. I was unable to find the little moments of joy, and this caused me to spiral into such a negative headspace. In order to help me start seeing my life more positively, I tried to think of three good things I did that day. It could be anything from having a happy moment with my daughter to finishing a load of laundry. The more I did this, the more positively I saw my life. In turn, I started not seeing life as “the glass is half empty” as much. My advice is try to think of those three positive things you are doing each day. If you have a hard time with three things each day, try three a week at first. It does get easier. You will be surprised at how many positive experiences you are able to name.

Five: Do not expect to change overnight. I just assumed once I started therapy, my postpartum OCD would go away instantly. Sadly that was not the case. Five months later I am still dealing with it, but it is not nearly as bad as it was when I first started therapy. Progress happens slowly but surely. Take it one day at a time. Some days I had to take it just one hour at a time. Keep pushing through because it does get better. Just like with anything postpartum OCD takes time to heal. You are stronger because you are going through this. You will come out on the other side, I promise. Keep working and be kind to yourself!