Throughout this entire experience that I have gone through with my postpartum OCD, I have learned that OCD is all about control. OCD thinks that you have to have complete control over your life with 100% certainty. However, that is not physically possible. We have to learn to live with uncertainty no matter how uncomfortable that is because that is life. Obviously, this is so much easier said than done.

Let me give you a little background on my issues with control. From a very young age, I liked to have control over everything. Even when I was a small child, I wanted to be in control. I controlled my little sister and made her do things the exact way I liked them. I feel terrible about that. We were literally 4 and 2 year olds. My mom never really told me you couldn’t do that, so I just lived my life controlling everything.

As I got older, I only felt safe if I was in complete control of my life. I had to control school, my family and anything that came in contact with my life. If people didn’t do things the way I wanted them to or how I would do them, they were wrong. That is actually not true. Everyone does things differently in life. I would have straight up meltdowns if something did not go the way I thought it should. I would just cry and breakdown. I couldn’t control it.

I would definitely say in my adult life that this is one of my greatest faults. I constantly battle with myself on learning how to let go of controlling tendencies and let other people live. I try to control everyone in my life. I have a hard time accepting when people in my life choose to do things differently than I would. I know that it is my OCD that creates this mess, but I have had to learn how to clean it up. I can’t live my life trying to control everyone and everything because it only makes me unhappy. I have to learn that I can only control what I do, not other people. I know it will be a constant battle, but I am prepared to win the fight.