This is not what someone with OCD wants to hear, including myself. If I could, I would control everything that happens to me and the outcomes. Unfortunately, that is not how life works. OCD is the doubting disorder, and it makes unpredictable situations really scary. I have never been the type of the person that can just “go with the flow.” To be honest that phrase disgusts me. I don’t think I could ever go with the flow. What I have learned in my two years of motherhood is that truly sometimes we have to go with the flow as moms, as much as I hate it.

In college, my grandpa was dying. I had no control over this situation. We were best friends. My mind forced me to focus on what I thought I could control, which was my schoolwork. I set these unrealistic expectations for myself with school because I couldn’t handle the lack of control I felt with my grandpa being sick. When I was a teacher, I would try to plan every possible scenario that could happen with a lesson or something I was doing in my classroom. If something happened that was not in my possible scenarios I came up with, then I would go home and have a meltdown. Living life like this was exhausting.

Becoming a mom with Caia was what pushed me over the edge with my OCD. I was trying to control everything that happened with her. Since I wasn’t working anymore, I wanted to put all of my energy into being the “perfect” mom. Once again, I set the most unrealistic expectations for myself. No person could have met my expectations, and I set myself up for failure. As time went on, I fell deeper and deeper into my obsessions with being the perfect mom, which somehow turned into “what if I am a murderer?” I had to learn in therapy to accept my flaws and realize I cannot control everything.

Fast forward to my present life, my grandma is now sick. I cannot handle the pain that I feel knowing something could happen to her. A life without my grandma would be unimaginable for me. I cannot control that she is sick. I can only control my reaction. I have been breastfeeding my second daughter, Emmi. After what happened with Caia, I am very thankful I can do that. With my grandma being in the hospital, I have had to mess up my breastfeeding schedule. Sometimes I have to have someone give Emmi a bottle. This was very challenging for me to accept at first, but I know it will be okay. If this happened to me two years ago, I would have had so many meltdowns. This situation is out of my control, and I have to accept that.

One of the most challenging things life has taught me is that I cannot control everything. In life, there will be times that we cannot control. Living life trying to control all the outcomes makes for a truly miserable life, and sets us up for failure. I lived my life like this for 28 years before I realized how unhealthy it was for me. I know that I will never be the type to “just go with the flow,” but I am learning to handle circumstances that are out of my control in a healthier manner. I never want to go back to the person that I was two years ago because I owe myself a happier life.