By October of last year, I was becoming a professional with hiding my symptoms of postpartum OCD. I would always find convenient excuses as to why I always needed to be at my parents’ house. On the outside, I looked like the happiest mom who was doing great. On the inside, I was dying and slowly breaking. When I was alone, I was a complete mess. I could barely survive waking up and making it through the morning. I was desperate to not be alone with my baby out of my intense fear of hurting her.

Like I have said before, my symptoms of postpartum OCD started very early after my daughter was born. I would see the screenings for postpartum depression and know the answers the doctors wanted to hear so I wouldn’t be on their radar. Little did I know, what I was dealing with was not postpartum depression at all. The thought of me admitting my symptoms to anyone made me feel like a weak person, so I just kept silent.

As time went on, I knew I was getting worse. Part of me just assumed I was having a difficulty handling motherhood, the other part of me knew something was seriously wrong. I am honestly amazed that I went on without telling anyone as long as I did. There were small things I could do to “make myself feel better” that I thought was helping me. I stopped watching any show that had violence in it, I hid items in my house I perceived as weapons, I stopped looking outside because I was worried I could hallucinate. In my mind at the time, I thought that was completely fine, and I told myself I was just protecting myself.

Keeping these symptoms inside made me sick to my stomach. While I was able to hide what was going on from other people, it was getting harder and harder. Small things started showing my cracks. I was crying a lot more than I usually did. I wasn’t sleeping because of my stress. I was trying to avoid my baby. That is the one I hate the most. Eventually, I had the worst breakdown where everything came out. I hated showing everyone how weak I was. It made me feel like the worst mother.

Even though having a breakdown was really sad for me, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I finally was able to get the right help that I needed to start healing and getting better. If I had not told anyone about my symptoms, who knows where I would be today. If you are a mom dealing with similar symptoms that I did, please do not hide them. I don’t want other moms to get to the breaking point that I did. I suffered so much in those eight months. It might be difficult in the moment to share what is going on, but in the end it is worth it for your life.