Finding out you have OCD can be a bit overwhelming, especially in the beginning. I remember when I found out, my whole life just flashed before my eyes. How much of my life had been influenced by my OCD symptoms? At first, I was angry because I feel like I could have been much happier in my life had I known sooner, but then I started thinking that I am grateful I found out at all. People can go through their whole lives and not know they have OCD. I feel like that was the path I was on before I went through postpartum OCD.

Looking back on my life, I can definitely see how OCD has affected every part of my life including relationships, jobs, my behavior. I was always a perfectionist at school, but took it to the extreme. I would complete assignments months in advance and felt under so much pressure. At my teaching job, I would try to be the perfect teacher and control every part of my day. When that couldn’t happen, since I am not perfect, I would cry. In my relationships, I have always tried to control people and get them to behave how I think they should behave. That is obviously not possible and caused a lot of resentments in my relationships. Looking back on that, it makes me sad.

After getting diagnosed with my postpartum OCD and working through everything with my therapist, I started seeing patterns in my life where my OCD would get out of control. I would have little flare ups where I would see my symptoms get in the way of my daily life. Luckily, I am much more aware of these spikes now. Before, I just assumed it was totally normal to avoid situations or anything that would trigger my fears at the time. I also thought it was normal to try to control every situation. Now I know that all of that is related to my OCD symptoms, and I try to make sure I don’t do the same things as before.

My new dilemma is now trying to differentiate what feelings I have are OCD and which are not part of my symptoms. I am very sensitive to this when it comes to Caia. My struggles mainly have to do when it comes to her being sick or hurt. She recently had a cold, and my “gut” instinct immediately goes to, okay, she obviously has the flu or RSV. I feel like I need to take her to the doctor right away, when in reality, she would have been fine. I am always worried that she will get super sick, and I won’t be able help her.

Then the other night, she was playing on the bed with my husband, Dalton, and Hugs. I was just watching in a chair beside the bed. Caia then fell off the bed so fast, and I couldn’t help her. She bit her tongue, and it was bleeding. She was fine, but I spent the whole evening crying because I should have been there to save her. I know both of those examples probably have to do with OCD, but it is really hard for me to tell what is normal mom worrying and what is OCD worrying. It is a constant battle I deal with everyday.

Now that I am aware of my OCD symptoms, I am able to better manage them so they don’t get out of control. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I struggle everyday to make sure that I keep my OCD in check. I have to work extra hard to differentiate between what is OCD and what isn’t part of my OCD. No matter what, I can’t let my OCD take anymore from my life that it has already. I will never be able to change my past with OCD, but I can definitely make my future brighter. I will never give up trying for myself and my daughters.