I wish I could take my own advice on this matter, but I cannot. I constantly want to gain the approval of others, especially my family. When my first daughter Caia was born was when I noticed that this was a real problem for me. I felt so out of my element and just so desperately wanted someone to tell me I was doing everything right. Then I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD and had to learn that I would never know for certain if I was doing the right thing, and no matter whose approval I got, that would never be enough validation for me. That validation had to come from within myself.

During my time with postpartum OCD, I was also having an identity crisis. My whole entire identity at the time was revolved around me being a teacher. When Caia was born, I lost that part of my identity and didn’t know what to do. I felt completely lost, and I remember my dad telling me I “needed to get back in the trenches” (meaning going back to work). I didn’t want to go back to work. I wanted to stay home with Caia, and I felt like I didn’t have my dad’s approval, which hurt me. Disappointing my parents was one of the worst feelings.

As time went on, I became stronger because I was in regular therapy. I learned that the only opinion about my life that mattered was my own. Even typing that right now still gives me anxiety. Lately, that feeling of wanting validation from others has come back into my life. I so desperately want my dad to approve of what I am doing. Every time I see him, I try to explain about all the work I am doing. Usually he is on his phone or makes a joke about it. That really hurts my feelings. Explaining to him all the good I am doing doesn’t matter because he won’t see it no matter how much I try to show him.

If I have learned anything from my years of therapy and treatment for OCD, it’s that seeking validation from others only hurts you. I will never get the reaction from others that makes me happy. Like I said, I can sit there all day and try to tell my dad about all the good things I am trying to do for the postpartum OCD community, but I can’t make him see it if he doesn’t want to. I have to know in my heart that I am doing a good job even if my dad can’t see it. As hard as it is sometimes, I am going to really work on seeking validation from within myself, because I deserve it and so do you.