So much of my life has been spent thinking of all of the ways everything could go wrong for me. I tend to be a very negative person, seeing the glass as “half empty.” Part of me knows this comes from my OCD, but it is really hard to control. In my mind, it’s easier for me to expect the worst because that way I am not disappointed when it happens. In the process of trying to never disappoint myself, I just ended up being miserable. When you are in a miserable, negative space, it can make you a bitter person. That is basically where I have been my whole life. This is not a healthy way to live.

I spent my latest therapy session talking with my therapist about being in a negative head space lately. We were talking about my self-confidence, and she said something really profound to me. She said “Caroline, I don’t think you have ever had any self-confidence.” That really sunk in for me. She is %100 correct. I have spent my whole life living in a space where I was my own harshest critic. I never felt like I deserved for anything to go right for me. Something bad would happen, and I would just think, “of course this was supposed to happen to me.” I was always so unhappy within myself that I never felt worthy of good things.

Here is my example that has troubled me for years. When I became a mom, I fought for a year within myself about returning to teaching or not. I poured my heart and soul into my job as an educator. That was all I ever wanted to be my whole life. I worked so hard to get that job, but it caused me so much stress and made me miserable. Mostly, that was because of my OCD, but I was very unhappy. I was afraid of quitting something that I worked so hard for in my life. I did not think I could be good at anything else.

Fortunately, I did get diagnosed with postpartum OCD. I know I said fortunately, because in a way, postpartum OCD saved my life. I decided that I deserved a chance to be a happy mom with Caia and stay at home with her. We have bonded so much as mother and daughter in the last year. It has honestly been the best decision I have ever made. I am so much happier now than I was when I was teaching. Getting diagnosed with postpartum OCD allowed me to create this blog, and it makes me happy to do it. I also wouldn’t have gotten the chance to be on the board of PSI-WV. I can be good at something other than teaching.

Changing my thinking pattern has been a struggle for me everyday. It is not something that happens overnight; it takes a lot of conscious effort and hard work. Being in therapy for a year has helped me realize that I do deserve to have good things happen to me. I try everyday to see the glass as “half full” instead of “half empty” like I did before. Trying to reverse something that has been ingrained in me for my entire life is not easy, but it is worth it. Being happy is the greatest gift my therapist could have given me. Instead of me wondering “what if everything goes wrong for me?,” I now say “what if everything goes right?”