In my mind, there is nothing worse for me than a lack of control over situations in my life. I want to know with 100% certainty that I can control a situation and have it go my way. This is obviously not ever possible. OCD tries to make you feel like it is possible, and when it doesn’t happen, it’s the biggest letdown. Looking back on my early struggles during postpartum, me not being able to control everything that happened with Caia played a huge role in my mental health spiral.

It started from the moment Caia was born, when I found out breastfeeding was harder than I thought. I didn’t know what I was doing, and everyone at the hospital told me I was doing great. I actually wasn’t, and Caia wasn’t getting anything from me. She lost almost two pounds in two days and was almost hospitalized. The guilt I felt from that weighed heavy on my heart. I had never felt so out of control in my whole life.

As time went on, it was little things that I couldn’t control that I really had a hard time with. I am a very schedule oriented person. I always go to bed around the same time every night. Babies, on the other hand, do not. I would never know what time Caia would fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night. For some reason, that caused me immense anxiety. Eventually, it turned into me not wanting to sleep at all because I was afraid of how I would be when I was woken up. I didn’t want any kind of harm to come to Caia, especially at the hands of me.

During the time that Caia was a baby, my husband, Dalton was working a swing shift. He worked two weeks day shift and two weeks night shift. Basically on the days/night he worked, I was completely on my own with Caia. I felt so alone and out of control during those times. I remember calling Dalton in the middle of the night when he was working hysterically crying begging him to come home. I didn’t want to be alone. Not being able to control when I could have people with me was such a weird feeling because I never really had to think about it before this.

Once I started experiencing the harm OCD intrusive thoughts, that’s when I really was out of control of my life. I wanted to know with 100% certainty that I would never be a murderer. Obviously, I am terrified of being a murderer and have never hurt anyone in my whole life. That didn’t stop me from obsessing over it none the less. I completely lost control of myself and my life and didn’t feel safe at all. It was my OCD’s worst nightmare. I was living in a space where I felt like I couldn’t control anything anymore, and I was helpless.

Learning to give up control in my life has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I have spent my whole life trying to craft this environment where I am in complete control of everything, and that is just not possible. My therapist has really helped me learn to let go of things I can’t control, especially with Caia. Accomplishing this did not happen over night. It took me a year of weekly therapy sessions to start to get in a healthy place with myself and my OCD. I know the work is hard, but it is worth it when you can come out the other side.