One of my biggest struggles with my OCD/Postpartum OCD is confessing intrusive thoughts and seeking reassurances. My mind tells me that I only feel safe if I can confess my intrusive thoughts to people and have them reassure me about them. If I don’t confess about my intrusive thoughts or something I did that could potentially disappoint someone I care about, then the guilt starts piling up. When that happens more intrusive thoughts invade my mind, and I start spiraling.

My first example of this that really caused me to realize that something was seriously wrong was when Caia was around four months old. I have talked about this before on here, but it was very traumatic for me.That was when I slept over at my parents’ house a lot, especially when my husband worked the nights. I was woken up unexpectedly by Caia around 11. I went to make her a bottle, but shook it too hard when I was holding her. I was afraid that I accidentally hurt her (I didn’t she was fine), but then I didn’t sleep the rest of the night or any nights after that. I was terrified I would wake up and not be a perfect, happy mom when I was feeding Caia.

I immediately confessed to my husband about this. Then the next morning I confessed to my whole family and couldn’t stop crying. They reassured me that I was a great mom, but nothing made me feel better. I reenacted the events from the night before 100 times to see if I could have hurt Caia in anyway. I googled the situation the same amount to reassure myself. Nothing, I repeat nothing, made me feel better. I started seeking reassurances all day everyday from anyone who would give them to me. It started with asking if I was a good mom, then progressed to am I a murderer. I only asked my husband the murderer question because I didn’t want to scare the rest of my family.

OCD plays tricks on you very easily and can me you doubt everything you ever knew about yourself. Of course I knew in my mind that I would never hurt anyone, especially my daughter, but my mind convinced me I wasn’t safe after what happened. I was my own harshest critic. I didn’t disappoint anyone but myself. I try really hard every single day to be the best mom and person I can be, and not beat myself up over mistakes. I am a human like everyone else, and we all make mistakes. My therapist helped me realize that confessing my thoughts and seeking reassurance was only going to make me doubt myself more. I have learned to be strong on my own and not let others’ opinions influence how I feel about myself. Remember if you have OCD, seeking reassurance will never make you feel better. You have to be strong within yourself.