Having postpartum OCD after my first pregnancy completely changed my life. If you have been through it, it’s something you don’t forget. I have spent the last nine months prepping for postpartum number two. I was determined to not let what happened to me the first time happen to me again. I have been recovered from postpartum OCD for months, but that still doesn’t change the fears of it possibly happening to me this time. If there is anything I learned from my extensive therapy, it’s that I cannot let the fear of “what ifs’ ruin my life and happiness.

I gave birth to Emmi Rae on April 29, 2024 at 1 in the morning. My birthing experience this time was so much different this time. I joined a centering program during my pregnancy this time, and I met so many amazing women who have helped prep me for birth through that. I was ready this time. I was able to have my husband, mom, and sister there, which meant the world to me. When I was giving birth to Caia, I was scared, already feeling OCD symptoms, and not ready to be a mom. Sometimes I wish I could go back and give myself a hug during that time because I was about to go through hell for a couple months.

I had a horrible time breastfeeding Caia, but I was not going to let that ruin me trying with Emmi. So far I have been able to breastfeed her exclusively for a whole week. I knew that meant I was going to be the one up at night with her, and that scared me a little. I have been afraid of what the sleep deprivation will do to my mental health. I am trying my best to rest and remind myself of what I did last time dealing with postpartum OCD. I am really proud of myself for being able to breastfeed after what happened to me the first time.

Another thing I have been worried about was how Caia would react to meeting Emmi. My heart couldn’t have been happier. Caia loved meeting her new sister. She says “hi Emmi” all the time and will give her kisses. I held onto a lot of guilt that Caia had a different mom than Emmi does. I constantly have to remind myself that what I went through with Caia happened for a reason, and I can’t be too hard on myself for what happened. Postpartum OCD was not my fault. Watching my girls be siblings has been my greatest life experience.

I know that having a new baby is extremely hard work, but I am incredibly grateful that I am in a better place mentally this time. I know that if I start struggling I can reach out to all of my resources that I didn’t have the first time. This time, I don’t feel alone. Motherhood is hard no matter what, but I am so glad I didn’t let postpartum OCD take away Caia’s ability to get a new sibling. My therapist has been right the whole time. we can’t let the fear OCD creates ruin our happiness. I am so thankful to get to experience motherhood again, and that both of my girls get a happy mom this time. Postpartum OCD will NOT ruin my life anymore.