My experience as a second time mom has been like night and day compared to my first time as a mom. Honestly this makes me extremely sad. Emmi is getting a totally different experience with me than Caia had when she was a newborn. When I compare the two experiences, it really shows how sick I really was with postpartum OCD the first time. The newborn phase is challenging for any mom, but when you have a perinatal mood disorder, it makes it 1,000 times worse. Postpartum OCD took my ability to be a happy mom. Instead, I was a shell of myself that couldn’t handle my life.

Sometimes when I am awake at 3 AM with Emmi, I sit there and get so sad about how different I was with Caia at night when she was this age. Some of my favorite times with Emmi have been our time together in the middle of the night. I just love to hold her close to me and smell her while she’s eating. With Caia, I remember dreading the night time so much that it made me feel physically sick. My mom had to help me so many nights because I couldn’t do it myself. I wanted so badly to just be able to sleep and not have to get up with a baby every night.

With Emmi, I have had a challenging time leaving her for any length of time. I love to be with her all the time. Being with her and Caia makes me so happy. When Caia was a newborn, I wanted to be anywhere but my house with a baby. I would lay awake at night and cry wishing I could run away because of all the anxiety and stress I was feeling. I couldn’t handle the intrusive thoughts. My parents would always try to give me a break and take Caia for the night or afternoon. I remember feeling like that didn’t help because I would just have to be a parent when she came back. Then I would cry again.

If you would ask me right now how I feel, I would tell you I love nothing more than being a mom to my two beautiful girls. Before, I wanted nothing more than to go back to my “old life” as in before kids. I hated my life pretty much every single day. I couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy or stressed out with anxiety. During this time, I just cried all of the time. The anxiety I felt, plus the extreme guilt I was experiencing caused me to feel like I needed to avoid Caia to keep her “safe.” My mind told me it was normal.

Looking back on my two experiences with my daughters has shown me not only how far I have come, but it also has shown me how much I truly struggled the first time. Postpartum OCD robbed me of the beautiful experience I have with Emmi from Caia. I know I can’t beat myself up about what happened to me because it wasn’t my fault. However, I can’t help but think how much I wish I could go back to my time with Caia as I am now. I would give anything to hug her one more time in the middle of the night and breathe in her newborn smell. One day, when I tell her what happened to me, I pray she will understand and know that I loved her more than anything even though I was sick.