I have been in a funk for a little over a week now, and I could not pinpoint why I had been in such a negative, unhealthy space. Finally in my therapy appointment this past week, I was able to realize what was going on with me. When I first started therapy in the fall of 2022, my therapist and I went over personality types on the Enneagram Personality Tests. My personality type is a one on their scale, which happens to be a perfectionist. I have struggled with this all of my life. My OCD behaviors usually focus on me being a perfectionist, which is very stressful.

After that therapy appointment in the beginning when I first learned about my personality type, I felt relief. I knew there was a reason why I acted the way I did. With these personality types though, you fluctuate between healthy and unhealthy places. My therapist helped me realize I was currently in an unhealthy place within my personality type. When I first heard that, I of course, was disappointed in myself. I wanted to stay on my positive path, but then I realized I have a lot going on right now. I just had a new baby, and I am running on broken sleep. My toddler has also been giving me a run for my money, and I am trying to balance giving them both equal attention. It’s a lot for one person.

Because of me being in an unhealthy space right now, my therapist gave me some homework on how to get back in a healthier space. The first task was to right down what my inner critic told me and say it out loud. I started writing down what my inner critic felt, and I realized how mean she was. Here are some things my own inner critic says, “no one likes you, you are a terrible person, you will never be successful, and so many people are better than you.” I read those out loud, and I could not believe how mean these statements were. Not only were they mean, but they came from my own head, which made it worse.

In the past, a lot of my own insecurities were projected on to others as their personal feelings towards me. Most of the time, it was my own inner critic telling me these things. My OCD caused me to obsess and worry constantly about these feelings that I perceived others having. What I finally realized was this is how my inner critic felt about myself. After years of speaking so negatively to myself, of course, I would believe what the inner critic was saying. I had no idea I could be so mean to myself.

My therapy homework from this week has been extremely eye opening for me. I have learned that the insecurities I have are coming from myself, not others. I can’t continue to live this way because it is unhealthy. I need to be my biggest cheerleader not critic. The only person that has been getting in the way of achieving my goals and dreams is myself. My goal is to change the conversation of what my inner critic says to me. There is no reason for me to be so mean to myself, and I hope you realize the same for you.