That is what I missed when I was “sick” with postpartum OCD. I missed the little moments of happiness waking up with my baby in the morning. I missed the joy of cuddling with my baby at night during our feedings. I missed the ability to soak up the sweet moments of laughter during my baby’s first year of life. Of course, I was there physically, but not present at all mentally. All of my focus and attention was dedicated to the stress and fear of my obsessions and intrusive thoughts. How could I enjoy the little things with my beautiful baby if I was terrified of being alone with her?

My treatment of postpartum OCD really focused on the “big” things. I had to figure out what my core fear actually was in order to start living my life again. Deep down, I realized my biggest fear was disappointing myself. The biggest disappointment for me was the worst case scenario: hurting my own baby. Once I started processing this major core fear, then I could start working toward appreciating the little things of motherhood. The change in my life was not overnight. I worked hard in therapy for around eight months in order to get to a healthier place, but the work was worth it.

Missing all of the little things with Caia turned into me missing a lot of big things that I had to undo. Being afraid to be alone with her really impacted our bonding. I was afraid to feed her, change her, give her a bath, and just play with her by myself. Since we were never alone, I lost so much mother-daughter bonding time. It broke my heart. I know Caia loved me, and I loved her, but I still missed out on small things in her life. My therapist helped me start with small bonding activities, like matching outfits. I loved it. Then I planned her first birthday party. Slowly, but surely, I started getting our relationship back.

Now that I am recovered from postpartum OCD, I can appreciate all the little things with motherhood. I smile every single morning when I wake up to be with my beautiful daughters. I squeeze them a little bit tighter in the middle of the night when they need me. I live for the moments we can laugh together as mother and daughters. Of course I have little moments of weakness, where a scary intrusive thought gets to me, but nothing like before. I know I can’t get back that time I lost with Caia, but I will never take for granted the time I have with my daughters now. They are the lights of my life, and I am so thankful for the little things.