After being in therapy for months, I have learned there is no one single factor that causes you to get Postpartum OCD. It has a lot to do with hormones, a predisposition to OCD and other anxiety disorders, and for me specifically, a lack of confidence in myself as a mother.

When I was younger, I used to be one of the most confident people I knew. I loved trying to make people laugh and be happy. I was happy in my own skin. Then my freshman year of college happened, and I lost it all. I went to college in the best place mentally possible. I was going to be living with my best friend since 7th grade, I knew my major was going to be Elementary Education, and I was going to a fun school. I had it made.

Fast forward to my third night of college, my best friend and roommate and I got into the biggest fight possible, which led to her moving out. We never spoke again. It has been 10 years. I could not understand how someone who has been my best friend of 5 years could drop me so quickly. We both said things we didn’t mean, and I just assumed the fight would blow over. I was wrong.

After that, I tried to become better friends with my suite-mate, who was a sophomore and lived alone. We were going to live together the following year. Then all of a sudden, she told me we could no longer be roommates the following year because “she didn’t want to hate me.” I was so hurt. I remember crying and crying in my room by myself.

After that I was so sad. I was away from home, and I missed my family and boyfriend terribly. I tried to call my sister who was two years younger and my best friend. She wouldn’t take my calls. I remember my mom saying “Oh, she doesn’t know what to say to you.” There was more hurt to my ego. My own sister didn’t want to talk to me when I was at a low point in my life.

I spent the rest of my freshman year of college thinking something was extremely wrong with me. Was I not aware of what everyone else was seeing? I lost all of my confidence that year. It never came back. In order to avoid all of the hurt and pain from my freshman year, I never opened myself up fully to anyone. Why should I if people are just not going to like me? If someone wronged me after that, I cut them out of my life so fast. I would NEVER let anyone hurt me that way again.

The two people I could count on in my life after that year were my mom, and my boyfriend at the time, now husband, Dalton. They always showed me the love and kindness to make me not feel completely and totally isolated and forgotten.

Unfortunately, the lack of confidence carried into my experience with motherhood. I was terrified of my own daughter not liking me, so I let other people take the reigns on being Caia’s parent. I gave a lot of control to my own mom because there was no way I could live up to how amazing she was as a mother. In my mind, I was never going to be good enough. Sadly, I looked at the experience with such a negative lens and never even gave myself a chance to be Caia’s mom.

In my experience in therapy, I learned that I am just not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. As much as I want to be liked by everyone, that is not possible. The only opinion of myself that matters is my own. I started looking at the good things I have. I have a wonderful family, and my husband who has been with me for ten years. He obviously saw something good in me to stay with me all this time. I felt so alone at my lowest point with my Postpartum OCD. If you are feeling anything like I did, I hope you know you are not alone. As a mom, you ARE enough for your baby. No one will be a better mom to your baby than you. Postpartum OCD should not get in the way of your confidence as a mom. You are bigger than the OCD.