That is how the obsessions always start. Something triggers me, and that could be anything: an event, story, or something I hear. Then that trigger progresses into intrusive thoughts, and those thoughts turn into obsessions. Let’s be clear, everyone gets intrusive thoughts, but people without OCD can move on with their lives once they have one. People like me, with OCD, will turn those thoughts into obsessions. Those obsessions start to get in the way of daily functions, and that is when I get stuck.

When I was in the thick of postpartum OCD, I was living with horrible intrusive thoughts on repeat in my head. I remember the “fear of being a murderer” obsession started with me shaking the bottle too hard when I woke up at night while I was holding Caia. Then I got a horrible thought: “what if I hurt her on purpose?” That thought became my obsession for months. I didn’t realize this thought was getting in the way of my life until I started to fear being alone with Caia. Obviously, that is not normal, but not knowing about OCD at the time didn’t help.

My latest “horrible thought” actually happened last night. I got a text from my mom that Liam Payne died from a fall. I thought that was really sad because he had a child. That is when I got the thought: “what if I died, and I am not here to see my daughters grow up?” I got so upset that I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t bear the thought that my daughters could grow up without a mom. I cried about it last night. Now, this kind of thought has the potential to become my next obsession, but I will not let it. I could sit inside my house and never leave so I couldn’t put myself at risk of dying, but what kind of life is that?

I know that horrible thoughts are going to happen to me all of the time. Living with OCD is a constant battle for me every day to make sure that I don’t fall into the cycle of obsessions and compulsions. I am going to be triggered by every day life, but I can’t let that get in the way of me living my life. No one deserves to be hiding in their homes in order to prevent “disasters” from happening. OCD tries to tell us that will keep us safe, but it is only preventing us from living. We all deserve to live our lives despite the horrible thoughts that try to take us down.