When I was obsessively researching my symptoms on the depths of google a couple months ago, (I do not recommend this by the way) I saw a few things about Postpartum OCD. The more I read about it, the more I knew this is what I was dealing with. Unfortunately, not many people talk about this postpartum issue at all. Not many people even know about it. Of course I had heard of postpartum depression and anxiety, but never OCD.

Like many moms do, I hid this from everyone in my life. I hid all symptoms I was experiencing until I couldn’t control it anymore. Why? Because I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit what I was living inside my own mind. There is a lot of stigma surrounding postpartum OCD that should not be there. Like I said, many people are aware of this issue. People don’t know enough about it; some do not know anything at all, even doctors. A lot of times, we judge things we do not understand.

When I started experiencing intrusive thoughts, I knew I couldn’t share them with anyone. Did I want to be labeled a murderer?! Did I want the CPS to come and take my daughter away?! Absolutely not. I knew I was not a murderer deep down, but if I shared my fears and thoughts, other people would think I was. I couldn’t tell my husband, my mom, or anyone in my life. That put more and more stress on me until I literally had a nervous breakdown.

Going to therapy made me feel not normal, but less alone. I was able to talk about my intrusive thoughts and understand more why this was happening. I was not a murderer nor was my daughter going to be taken away from me. I was experiencing intrusive thoughts, and that is all they were: thoughts. Not actions. That made me feel better. The next step was to try to explain this to my family. I was tired of hiding what had consumed my life for months.

My family has been supportive of my diagnosis, but were a little judgmental at first. I expected that. The first time I tried to explain to my dad what I had been dealing with I got the response of, “oh so you’re one of those moms who drives their kids into the lake?” Um, no Dad, I am not. In my mind, I was like this is exactly why I do not tell people. My mom was scared of what I was saying as well. I knew there was no reason to be scared of me but my family’s reactions did not help. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I was a failure.

I knew my parents were concerned, but they just did not understand postpartum OCD. My family has always had issues expressing emotions or any feelings regarding mental health. I understand why because of the way my dad grew up. My grandma, who is 85 years old, used to work in a mental health hospital. She does not like anything involving mental health issues. According to her, anyone dealing with some kind of mental health issue is “crazy.” To this day, my grandma has no idea about my diagnosis. She does not even know I am in therapy. I wish I could tell her, but it would be a big disappointment. I am sure many people can relate to this, because families can be judgmental.

After what I have experienced, I want there to be more awareness brought to postpartum OCD. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of with this diagnosis. It happens to so many people, but like me they are afraid to admit it. You are NOT crazy if you have postpartum OCD. The only way we can bring awareness to this diagnosis is if we talk about it more. I am willing to put my experience out there because I do not want other moms to feel alone. I hope that one day postpartum OCD will be more normalized so no one feels they have to hide their symptoms again.