Trying to describe the uncomfortable feeling that comes with living with OCD is not easy. I didn’t realize the uncomfortable feelings I was living with were even OCD until I started therapy. Basically, it feels like an extreme sense of urgency in doing something to keep you safe. OCD tries to make the person living with it feel safe with trying to achieve 100% certainty in life. The problem is, that is not possible. I have tried so hard my whole life to control everything I do in order to be “certain” that I can be safe. This whole time I thought I was keeping myself safe with my OCD compulsions, but truthfully I was only making myself miserable.

I have so many examples of compulsions I live with everyday that come with the uncomfortable feeling of OCD. One compulsion I have struggled with my whole life is completing tasks as soon as I receive them. This started when I was in school and has continued throughout my adult life in my career. When I was in college, I would complete assignments weeks, sometimes months in advance before I could “relax.” If I did not do this, then I would feel an extreme sense of anxiety, like there was an alarm in my head telling me I had unfinished tasks at all times. To be honest, I never could truly relax in college because of this behavior.

As I moved into my teaching career, I noticed that same behavior. I became a middle school social studies teacher, teaching U.S. history. I remember creating all of my PowerPoints and assignments before I even began school that fall. Some people would tell me how prepared I was, and that was true, but that preparedness never made me feel better. I would try to think of every possible worst case scenario with my lessons in advance. Those thoughts kept me up at night most nights. Sometimes, something would happen during my lesson that I couldn’t predict, and it would ruin my whole day/week. My OCD tried to keep me in control by thinking of these possible scenarios, but it never worked because life doesn’t work that way.

When I quit teaching, I thought my anxiety would go away, but it didn’t. My OCD focused on something new: my new daughter, Caia. That is how my postpartum OCD started. I had no control over my life anymore with a new baby. My life was at the mercy of a newborn. I couldn’t sleep, eat, exercise, or take care of myself until she slept, and I never knew when that would happen. I was so used to this facade of me having complete control over my life, that I was now way out of my element. I felt extremely uncomfortable and anxious all day, everyday. It really was a horrible space for me to be in my life.

After getting diagnosed with postpartum OCD and OCD, I finally started to see how unhealthy my past behavior had been in my life. I didn’t even realize all of the things I was doing were even compulsions. I just thought it was me being prepared and conscientious. My behavior was those things, but it was to the point of being extremely unhealthy. I have had to learn to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that come with OCD. The behaviors that come with OCD to keep me safe do nothing for me other than make me stressed. I will never truly be able to achieve 100% certainty in my life, but I can try to live my life to be happy.