I had always wondered what I would do when one of my children got a stomach virus. My first major encounter with OCD was when I was twelve surrounding an obsessive fear of throwing up. I had since gotten over my fear for the most part, but I still never liked to be around it. Before last week, I had made it three years without my children catching a stomach virus, but that all changed last Monday. Caia had woken up from her nap complaining that her stomach hurt. I knew something was up, and I just sat there dreading what was coming. She did start throwing up, and I was so proud of how I handled it. I only ran once. I got myself together and started taking care of Caia. The part that happened next was totally out of my control.

Caia stopped throwing up that night, and I thought she was on the mend. I sat there waiting for myself or my husband to get sick. Unfortunately, Caia did not get better. By Wednesday, she was just laying on the couch, not talking at all. She was very lethargic and totally unlike her vibrant, sassy self. It is hard for me to tell if I am being dramatic with my OCD or if my children actually need to go to the doctor. My family was extremely worried, so I took her to see Nurse Practitioner at her provider’s office. The first question I was asked was, “does diabetes run in your family?” Diabetes?? I couldn’t believe it. I started instantly blaming myself because I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (an autoimmune disorder) so I instantly thought it was my fault.

At the Nurse Practitioner’s office, we were told Caia’s blood sugar was dangerously low, so we had to go to our local ER. I was asked again if diabetes ran in my family, and I got even more upset. Caia received two bags of fluid at the ER, and she was not acting any better. She was still lethargic and just laying on the bed. We were informed that Caia would have to be transferred to a children’s hospital for an overnight stay to monitor her. As we got in the ambulance, the EMT asked me how long Caia had had diabetes. I could not believe it. Did my daughter have diabetes and I just missed it?

Seeing Caia in the hospital gown and bed was a sight I never want to see again. Her tiny little body looked so fragile on that big bed. As I was laying there with her, I froze. I left my poor little Emmi with my mom. It was her first time I had ever been away from her at night. She was exclusively breastfed. Emmi was turning one the following week, so I intended to start weaning then, but I felt like the weaning was happening now. I felt sick to my stomach with guilt and stress. My breastfeeding journey was so important to me, and I wanted it to end on my terms. I hated that I had to leave her like that, but Caia needed me in that moment. That night was spent with a lot of tears and anxiety. I waited until Caia was asleep to allow myself to feel all of the pain from that day. I was so sad that both of my girls were in this position.

We spent two nights in the children’s hospital. Caia had slowly gotten better, and her sweet little personality was returning. It turned out she didn’t have diabetes, thank goodness. She was dehydrated from her stomach bug. As we were preparing to check out, a dietician came to speak to us. I was told that Caia was not eating enough. Her BMI was less than the first percentile. My first doctor appointment with her when she was a baby popped into my head. That was where I was told she had not eaten any food from me when I attempted to breastfeed. She almost had to be hospitalized then. She has been tiny ever since. Was her BMI my fault because I failed at breastfeeding? The thought of me failing her from feeding was originally what triggered my postpartum OCD. I felt defeated.

If this situation happened to me two years ago, I don’t know if I could have handled it. Being sick with postpartum OCD would not have allowed me to be there for either of my girls. I am so proud of the strength I was able to have during that hospital stay. Caia came home and is back to her normal self. Emmi was able to still breastfeed when I got home, and we made it to one year of breastfeeding. I did, however, catch the same stomach flu, but I am glad it didn’t happen until I got home. I am thankful everyday that I got treatment for postpartum OCD because I was able to be there for both of my girls in a situation that was completely out of my control. I kept it together when they needed me most. It turns out, I could handle a stomach bug when it finally happened.