One of my qualities/characteristics that can sometimes help me or hurt me is that I see the world in black or white. In my world, there is not a whole lot of room for the “gray” areas. To me things are either good or bad, nice or mean, wrong or right, etc. I have never been one to be very tolerant of myself or others when things that happen don’t fit nicely into my either-or boxes of life. Living like this can help me sometimes, but other times it can really hurt me. Most of the world sees the gray areas that we experience, but I just don’t.

I didn’t learn that I had OCD until I was 28 years old (I am almost 31 now). I am still trying to unlearn, undo, and process the OCD behaviors that have impacted me my entire life. I can give so many examples from my childhood where my rigid outlook on life has affected me. I remember being told in my childhood that drinking/smoking was “bad.” Anytime I would see people in my life smoking or drinking, I would just get so disappointed. I couldn’t understand why others didn’t see this behavior as “bad” like I did. Not even joking, I would even go as far as not being friends with people who had parents who smoked. I know now this was a result of my OCD.

Growing up I was always made of being called “the goody two shoes.” I genuinely could not help that behavior. I just felt like I had to be this way or something bad would happen to me. I tried to do everything “right” so that I could be on a good path and not disappoint anyone. As I got older, those behaviors only got more refined. When I became a mom, I felt like I could never make a mistake in front of Caia because she would see that I was not being “good.” That only made motherhood impossible for me because no person on earth is going to be perfect. I set myself up for failure.

Not all of my rigid behaviors are bad. My OCD can help me sometimes. For example, I am a really hard worker that is determined to do my best job at whatever I am doing. I care a lot and want to do the right thing. Sometimes that does hurt me because I can do too much, but I do have good intentions. Being in therapy for years has taught me that sometimes I have to give myself and others grace. Not everything is always “good or bad,” “nice or mean,” or “right or wrong.” We are all humans, and sometimes life has gray areas.