I have to keep rereading that title. My whole life has been dedicated to me holding myself to an impossible standard of perfectionism that I can never achieve. A mistake that I make that I didn’t anticipate happening sometimes can crush my soul. This started all the way back in first grade when I was tested for the school’s gifted program. They told my parents they couldn’t let me in because I was “too worried about being perfect.” That statement is basically my life; I am too worried about being perfect.

Making mistakes is part of life, but for some reason my brain does not understand that. Mistakes set alarm bells off in my head telling me I am a horrible person and not good enough. Getting over a mistake takes me days sometimes weeks, depending on how bad I decide that my mistake is. I am always told that I am too hard on myself, but I can’t help it. I want to be a successful person, and I am not a forgiving person when it comes to myself.

Before I do anything that is important to me, I try to plan every possible outcome that could happen. This could mean anything from planning a potential conversation to trying to predict outcomes in my life. I remember one time when I was teaching, something happened with one of my lessons that I did not expect; I cried for weeks. Truly, I thought my behavior was normal. Looking back, I don’t see how I could think that. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with OCD that I started to learn how unhealthy I was with this behavior.

Recently, I faced a setback that could have ruined my life before I had OCD. I have dedicated my life to the perinatal mental health world. The other day, I took the perinatal mental health certification exam. I failed by 12 points. It was like a gut punch to the stomach. I had studied so hard. I sat in the chair of the testing center trying not to cry. Then I told myself, I needed to get back up. I will take the test again and know what to study next time. Before my OCD was diagnosed, I would have cried in my room for weeks. This time, I am moving on with my life and reminding myself that setbacks are not failures.