Last night, I was reminded what it was like when my husband worked night shifts. He got switched to “day shift” only about a year and a half ago at his work. Last night, he had to stay late, past my kids’ bedtimes. His work shifts really contributed to my severe postpartum OCD. When I was in the thick of postpartum OCD, my husband had been working twelve-hour shifts, two weeks nights and two weeks days. On the days he worked, I was basically a solo parent with no breaks. I was left to sit there alone, stuck in my intrusive thoughts. Last night, him being late, took me back to that place. It was an echo of what my life used to be.

When Caia was first born, my husband got a month of paternity leave from his work. That was amazing. When he went back to work, that’s when the trouble started. I was alone the majority of the time. My husband was either at work or sleeping, getting ready for work. Of course, he helped when he was at home, but I was alone most of the time. Caia was only a couple of months old, and I was not sleeping at all. My intrusive thoughts started to get really bad at this time. I hated my life. I felt completely suffocated. The guilt of feeling like I hated being a mom really caused me to spiral as the months went on.

By the end of the summer, I really started feeling consumed by my intrusive thoughts. Everything was piling on top of me. I started worrying that I might be a murderer, and I decided it was no longer safe to be alone with Caia. I couldn’t breathe when my husband was at work. I would cry all day when he was gone, and I couldn’t sleep when he worked at night. While he was at work, I would have to count down the minutes to when he would be back. I knew this was not a normal way to live, but I didn’t know what to do. It was a horrible place for me to be in, but I just thought that was what my life was now.

I remember one night specifically, my husband was at work, and I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified of sleeping because I thought I might sleepwalk and hurt Caia without knowing. It was around 2 AM, and I was having a breakdown. I called my husband at work hysterically crying. I begged him to please come home. He couldn’t just leave work because of my anxiety and OCD. I remember him telling me I had to be there for Caia. He didn’t know what to do to help me, and I felt lost. I hung up the phone and kept crying. The fear that I felt while my husband was gone was paralyzing. I needed him at home to “watch me” so I would not hurt Caia.

Last night, while my husband was still at work, I reflected on what I went through with postpartum OCD. I felt so bad for that version of myself. I was living in a constant state of fear and anxiety, hanging on by a thread. The person I was two years ago was someone who was lost and had no idea what an unhealthy place they were in. I am so thankful I was able to get help for what I experienced; it is not something I can or want to forget. Luckily, my husband was able to get a new shift at work, and my memories of postpartum OCD are just a ghost of night shifts past.