I know that I have talked endlessly on here about my freshman year of college, but that is the year that changed my life so dramatically. I had an epiphany so to speak the other day about this. Truly, I have let what happened my freshman year of college dictate how I have lived my life for the last ten years. I cannot continue to do that. It is not fair to me, my family, or my kids. What happened to me was terrible. It changed how I saw the world, but I have to start processing it because I deserve to live my life being myself. Sometimes, I don’t think we realize how much our past can impact our future, and I don’t want to let my past keep running how I live my life now.

Being a freshman in college for me was such a challenging time. I was in a new city, even though it was only an hour away from home, away from my parents, and away from Dalton. I also decided to go to WVU because my whole family went there. It was the number one party school, and I was not a huge partier. I am a homebody that loves watching reality TV and reading books. I remember the first night of college I went to a frat party and a club, and I hated every minute of that night. I just did not like that scene at all. If I could go back, I wish I could have told my family I really didn’t want to go to school there.

Then, getting rejected by my best friend and being told that my suitemate didn’t want to live with me the following year so she didn’t “hate me,” sent signals to my brain that who I was as a person was not a likeable one. I should not show others who I was truly because I would not be liked. I felt there must be something wrong with me if that happened. That year I was trying to find a place where I fit in and make connections with others, and I felt like I failed miserably. I spent most of that year alone in my dorm room.

From that year forward, I decided I would no longer let anyone hurt me like that again. The only person who knows the real me is Dalton. He has been my safe space for almost 13 years. I am so lucky to have him. Back then, instead of trying to make new connections moving forward in my life, I threw myself into my schoolwork. I felt that was my safe space, and if I was a high achiever, then people would like me. That translated into my adult career life. I tried to be the perfect person in every career I have had. If I get any kind of criticism, I have an absolute meltdown. It truly takes me back to the wounded 18 year old me.

Like I said, I had an epiphany, so to speak the other night. I had a crying meltdown where I felt like I wasn’t good enough at my career. I haven’t cried like that in a long time, but for some reason it turned into me crying about my freshman year of college. I realized that was because that year I started putting my self-worth into what I could achieve and not who I was. I felt that what I achieved was more worthy of love than I ever would be. Truly, no one should feel like that. I am a person who is deserving of being loved. What happened to me was terrible that year, but I need to not live in that space. If I could go back in time, I would give my 18 year old self a hug and tell her she does matter, not just her achievements.