The first time OCD seriously impacted my life was when I was twelve. I had an extreme fear of throwing up at school. That was the year I had just started middle school. I would call my mom from school begging to pick me up because I was so anxious. It was the first time OCD truly got in the way of me living my life. I had no idea why I couldn’t stop having the fear, obsessing over it, and letting it control my life. My parents, especially my dad, would be frustrated with me because I couldn’t stop. I so badly wanted to stop disappointing them with whatever this obsession was, but I could not.

I lived that way for months where I only thought about my fear of throwing up. I refused to go in cars, go to school, or really leave the house. Finally, I was able to slowly get over the fear, but I did it completely on my own. I had received no treatment. My parents thought I was cured, but OCD is chronic. They didn’t even know I had OCD. To this day, I still will get anxiety sometimes when I am not at my house. I remember the fears I went through when I was terrified of throwing up.

Fast forward to today, I am starting to notice a little bit of those past behaviors returning. I have a deep fear of my daughters, especially Emmi, contracting RSV. It is hard for me to be around people if I notice they are sick. That is when I start noticing me avoiding certain places or people. I am sure people think I am being mean, but I truly just get so much anxiety around Emmi getting this sickness. I never know when my behaviors are considered to be “normal” or just me experiencing my past OCD.

Another thing that terrifies me is when my daughters will get a stomach bug. I absolutely am terrified thinking of the possibility of me having to deal with them throwing up and me having to clean it up. I get so much anxiety thinking about it. It has gotten to the point where I struggle to want to take them places. The stomach bug is extremely prevalent where we live right now. Every time we go somewhere, I go home worrying that we will get the stomach bug. I know it is not a good way to live my life, but it is something I struggle with daily.

When I start getting like this, I have to remind myself that I can’t let my OCD get in the way of me living my life. OCD has taken so much from me already. Unfortunately, OCD is chronic, so it is something I will deal with the rest of my life. It is a battle that I will have to fight daily. That is why I continue to work on myself in therapy. I can’t let OCD affect me the way it has in the past. I have two daughters who need me to be present and in the moment with them. Even though I struggle with my past obsessions, I am not going to let it affect my present anymore.