Ever heard of an intrusive thought? No? I hadn’t either until I recognized I was dealing with postpartum OCD. According to google an intrusive thought is “an unwanted thought that can pop into our heads without warning at any time. They’re often repetitive – with the same kind of thought cropping up again and again – and they can be disturbing and distressing” To someone who was dealing with postpartum OCD, they caused my own personal hell in my own mind. Seeing the definition made me understand what they were, but did not stop them from happening.

The intrusive thoughts started small a couple weeks after Caia was born. I started thinking things like “what if I accidentally dropped her and hurt her?” “What if she choked and I couldn’t save her?” “What if she got SIDS and I had no idea because I was sleeping?” Those thoughts caused me a lot of distress, but I was able to get out of those thoughts. I was able to continue living my life, for a while.

Later, when Caia was older, they spiraled out of control. When she was around 7 months old, I started having even more scary thoughts. They were similar to the ones I was experiencing when Caia was younger, but they got worse. I started worrying that I would hurt her on purpose. Those thoughts caused me so much extreme stress that I started having panic attacks. I literally could not be alone with my daughter or even hold her sometimes. Basically, I had to have someone “watching” me at all times, like a babysitter. I felt so sad and disgusted with myself. The more I tried to stop the thoughts, the more I would think about them. It was counterintuitive for me. That is how intrusive thoughts work; the more you try to stop them, the worse they get. I was living in this vicious cycle of hell in my own mind.

These are the thoughts people are afraid to share they are experiencing and should not be at all. Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts including people without OCD. People with postpartum OCD cannot control them, and they cause us extreme distress. Most people without OCD can push intrusive thoughts out of their mind. It doesn’t matter how much you want to change your thought pattern with OCD, you just can’t. That is why this is so distressing.

This whole time, I was trying to survive the transition to motherhood, be a perfect mom, and love my daughter. The worst thing I have ever experienced in my life is the intrusive thoughts surrounding my own daughter. One thing I am proud of is I always took care of Caia, even when I was at my worst and experiencing panic attacks. She was always fed, had her diaper changed, and was happy, even when I was so unhappy.

In therapy, I learned how to identify the intrusive thoughts, say them out loud, and learn that they do not define me.My therapist always tells me thoughts are NOT actions. I am not a murderer nor am I ever going to harm anyone. I even learned that if I had come forward sooner, I might not have even reached the “murderer” phase of postpartum OCD. Sadly, I cannot go back and change the past, and I did reach that phase. If you are reading this and you are just starting to experience the signs of postpartum OCD with intrusive thoughts, reach out please. I do not want other people to go through what I did.

Again like my therapist says, thoughts are NOT actions. You are still a fabulous mom, even if you are dealing with postpartum OCD.