One of my main feelings from guilt as a mom is about making mistakes in front of my daughters. I can’t ever accept when I make a mistake by myself, let alone when my girls see me do it. I set myself up for failure very early on in motherhood by expecting an extreme level perfection out of myself that I would never attain. Every time I made a mistake as a mom, I felt a little part of me die inside because I thought I was ruining Caia’s life. Every decision/mistake I made had the potential to change the course of her life, and I really struggled with the pressure.

One of my biggest flaws that I have is how I express my anger. I don’t think I was ever really taught a healthy way to express when I got mad during my childhood. My “go-to” has always been to yell, say mean things, or throw something. I always feel terrible when I do that. During my teenage years was when my anger was at its worst. I would yell at my parents, stomp, slam doors, and say hurtful things. I never knew how to express my anger in a healthy way, and I always felt horrible when I calmed down. When I became a mom, I felt like it was something that I truly needed to work on because I didn’t want to show my kids that kind of anger or unhealthy version of myself.

As my postpartum OCD got worse, I started to fear that I would make the ultimate worst mistake when I was angry: harming my daughter. I couldn’t live with that fear. The fear of myself being angry led me to believe that I shouldn’t show or feel any kind of emotions other than happiness because I couldn’t let myself lose any kind of control around Caia. I had to make sure I was perfect and happy all of the time because that would keep her safe. I felt miserable. The truth is never being angry is not possible, and I set myself up for failure.

Having postpartum OCD taught me that I went to the extreme worst case scenario as a parent. Yes, I definitely struggle with expressing my anger, but I would never hurt anyone. I learned so many coping skills in therapy for my anger. My expression of my anger has vastly improved. I know that I am not perfect; I am a human that will make mistakes. My daughters are going to see me angry sometimes. I just have to apologize and move on, otherwise I will obsess over my mistake and never forgive myself. Yes, I will be angry sometimes, but it will never change how much I love my daughters.