Before becoming a mom, I could go to sleep whenever I wanted and never had to worry about waking up in the middle of the night for someone else. I could come home from work and take a nap, if I was tired, for as long as I needed. Ahh, those were the days. Sleep is now a luxury for me. I have two little girls that require me to revolve my entire sleep schedule around them everyday. I can no longer sleep when I want; I can’t go to bed when I want or take a nap if I feel tired. Sometimes that realization is really hard when I think about it. I know it is temporary, but it is still hard when you are a mom in the thick of it with babies and toddlers.

When my first daughter was born, I felt like I was slapped in the face with the reality of the demands of motherhood that I was not really prepared to handle. The 24/7 demands that were required of me were the biggest challenges of my life. No matter how badly I wanted to be a mom, I still wasn’t ready for what motherhood was really like. I wish I had been more prepared for this transition. Waking up five times a night then having to be up bright and early to do a whole day of motherhood was really torturous for me. I felt suffocated. I couldn’t do anything I wanted or go anywhere I wanted to; I felt like a teenager again asking for permission to live my life.

During this time, I learned I do not do well with a lack of sleep. It exacerbated every problem I had and made it 1,000 times worse. I was an emotional wreck, and I could not keep myself together. Looking back, this was definitely part of my postpartum OCD symptoms, but not sleeping is hard for every parent, not just someone with postpartum OCD. Little things would set me off and make me lost it emotionally. I hated my life for months. Even when someone would help me at night or during the day, I would still feel dread knowing I would have to take over when they were done. Then after feeling dread, I would feel extreme guilt for dreading my responsibilities.

Getting treatment for postpartum OCD really opened my eyes to how truly challenging motherhood really is. It is the biggest life change you will ever go through. Losing your freedom completely can be totally suffocating and isolating. I know now that it is okay to feel that way, healthy even. It means I am human. Now that I have my second baby, not sleeping has been the same challenge, but I don’t feel dread the same way I did before. I know that this time is temporary, and I am much stronger now. Every mom deserves their own time to adjust to this new season of life. Eventually that slap in the face wears off and you will enjoy your new phase of life.