Before I realized I had OCD, I thought I was just being conscientious by trying to analyze conversations, actions, and future possibilities. Nighttime was the worst time for me to try to analyze situations. I could ruminate for hours on situations of the past, present, and future. My OCD thought it was protecting me from harm by making sure there wasn’t something I missed in a conversation or event that could potentially hurt me. When in reality, it just was making miserable living my life this way.

I had no idea what I was doing was a symptom of my OCD until I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD. It turns out, that is not healthy to sit there and try to analyze every aspect of your life on repeat. My mind trapped me in my own personal jail of trying to figure out my life. The worst was happening when I was teaching. I would analyze every action I took that day at school and think of all the ways I could have done better with my classes. It was horrible. I would make myself sick with worry to the point where I just no longer wanted to teach anymore.

When I started therapy for postpartum OCD, I finally learned that what I was doing was not healthy at all. Breaking free from the hold of rumination and overanalyzing was one of my greatest gifts from therapy. Taking an SSRI helped facilitate the process and allows my brain to breathe a little bit. I had to learn that all I was doing by overanalyzing my life was torturing myself. No matter how much thought I gave to a situation, I was never truly going to be satisfied with the answer. OCD would find another potential concern that would need my attention.

In a way, I am glad that I had to suffer from postpartum OCD. If that had never happened to me, I would still be trapped in the vicious cycle of overanalyzing and rumination. I am not perfect; sometimes I still struggle with this happening to me. The difference now is I know how to handle it. I am better at recognizing when I am doing it and can get out of it easier. Honestly, my goal is to just try to live my life without being overly concerned with potential harmful situations. I want to be happy. I will never be able to save myself from every harmful situation, and overanalyzing is torture. It is not worth it.