Starting therapy was one of the biggest blessings in my life. I have learned more about myself in the last two years than I ever have in my thirty years of life. Originally I went to therapy to treat my severe postpartum OCD, but I quickly learned there was so much work to be done on myself. I had been living with such unhealthy behavior patterns that have shaped my life, and I am still working to undo them. As I learned more about my OCD and postpartum OCD, I came to understand that while it is hereditary for me, my symptoms were also reinforced by those unhealthy behavior patterns.

My biggest unhealthy behavior pattern has been one of the hardest to break. Ever since what happened to me my freshman year of college, I have been a completely changed person. That was the year my best friend of over five years said she didn’t like me. I felt so lost and sad after that happened. In my mind, there was something deeply wrong with me. In order to protect myself, I developed a really unhealthy defense mechanism to cope. I decided that no one would ever hurt me like that again, so I never let anyone get too close to me. I would hurt people before they could hurt me. I still am dealing with this issue in therapy because I have lived like this for almost ten years, and I have a hard time figuring out how to break this pattern.

Something else I struggle with is my expectations of others. My personality type is very black and white. I don’t have a whole lot of room for gray areas with people. The OCD type I deal with really focuses on being perfect. I expect perfection out of myself for everything, even though that is not possible. Not only do I expect it from myself, but I expect it from others. I expect people to live, breathe, and think the same way I do. In reality, everyone has their own way to live. I have had such a hard time accepting this fact. In therapy, I have to constantly be reminded that not everyone will see things as I do, no matter how hard I try.

Unfortunately, I am the one person who tends to get in the way of my own happiness. I expect too much out of myself and others. We are all human beings, and human beings make mistakes. No one is perfect, and I have to stop expecting that out of everyone. That is why therapy has been so important to my recovery from postpartum OCD because it has truly helped me learn to let go of my unhealthy behaviors. I work every single session to try to break my unhealthy patterns and stop letting my OCD control my life. OCD always tries to find a way to control me, and I can’t let it win.