Occasionally, I just get in the mood to rewatch old 16 and Pregnant episodes. I was in that mood the other night. Watching that show now makes me feel differently, now that I am a mom. Being a mom in your late 20’s and early 30’s is hard enough, even when you are prepared. I can’t imagine being a mom as a teenager, unprepared. Everyone on the show always tells the moms that your life is over, and you have to put your baby first. First of all, your life is not over when you become a mom. Second of all, the part about putting your baby first is true to an extent. I whole heartedly believe that moms need to put themselves first in order to be the best moms.

Before I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD, I sat in my room crying because I felt like I didn’t deserve to take care of myself. I felt that I needed to put my baby first at all costs, even at the expense of myself. Being a mom was my sole identify at the time, and I didn’t think I could be myself anymore. In my eyes, taking any kind of time to myself made me a bad mother. It didn’t help that I wasn’t sleeping, and I felt that everyone else around me was enjoying my baby more than I was. I felt such guilt and shame for not enjoying being a mom, but the truth was, I couldn’t enjoy being a mom living with postpartum OCD.

Part of my therapy sessions helped me realize that I still mattered. I am still Caroline. I always will be Caroline. I was just in a new season of life. It is okay for me to still have time to myself even as a mom. I am allowed to take time to do activities that I enjoy. Part of me felt like my only activity I could be doing was something with my child. The guilt I felt when I would try to do an activity for myself without my daughter consumed me. I felt as the mom, I needed to have more responsibility than my husband, which isn’t true.

Looking back on those hard times in my life, I wish I could tell myself to be less hard on me. That in order to be the best mom I can be, I need to put myself first. I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. My girls love to see me being happy, and that is what I want them to grow up seeing. I hope that every mom knows that just because you become a mom, it doesn’t mean your lit needs to dim. Your light should shine just as bright as before, if not brighter because you deserve it. Always shine your light.