I consider myself recovered from my severe postpartum OCD experience in 2022. That doesn’t mean some certain topics, memories, shows, movies, books, etc. don’t trigger me still. Lately my number one trigger has been the Lindsay Clancy trial (for obvious reasons). My number one fear of life during postpartum OCD was hurting Caia on purpose. The second worst fear was developing postpartum psychosis. Both obsessions consumed my life for months. Seeing the trial play out has been important for me to watch, but also extremely triggering to me.

My husband does not appreciate me watching the trial. He feels that I am torturing myself, and I don’t disagree. I decided I wanted to watch the trial to prove to myself that I could and to fight for maternal mental health. Watching the trial has been really challenging for my own mental health. I’ve noticed I have been okay during the trial, but at night is when I struggle. One of my issues with my postpartum OCD was me putting myself into different stories in scenarios that happened to other people that are horrible and playing them on repeat in my head. This trial is no different; mainly because it has to do with my worst fears during postpartum OCD.

The hardest thing I have seen on the trial was the testimony of the autopsy reports, specifically the daughter’s autopsy. I cried the entire time and had to plug my ears. It was horrible to picture because I look at Caia, who is almost the same age as the daughter, and I feel the wind being sucked out of me. That testimony was awful. It’s also hard to see how many times Lindsay asked for help and wasn’t getting the right treatment for psychosis. During my own journey with postpartum OCD, I tried for months to get help before I finally found the right therapist. I know that I was lucky, and I am sad that the system failed Lindsay.

The Lindsay Clancy trial has really opened up some old postpartum OCD wounds. I am proud of myself because I haven’t spiraled, but I have had a harder time processing the triggers. Everything about that trial is why I fight for maternal mental health awareness. I know that this work is extremely important for families, even if this trial triggers me. Before when I would get triggered, I would instantly think I was relapsing. Now I know that it is okay to be triggered. I can’t avoid that feeling 100% of the time. I know that being triggered doesn’t mean that I am failing. I am still human.