I think this is something I truly struggle with living with OCD. It is really hard for me to grasp that two things about feelings can be true at one time. Living with OCD makes me feel like things need to be black and white, this or that, good or bad. I have lived my entire life that way. I really struggle with the gray areas of life. Since my struggle with postpartum OCD, the struggle I have experienced with this became amplified. I started to see how I had been living life with an “all or nothing” approach. The bad part about that is it causes me to be harder on myself than anyone else.

For example, last week I had to attend a fabulous work event for three days. I was really hard on myself for leaving Caia and Emmi. However, I was excited to be ‘Caroline, the person’ for a few days rather than ‘Caroline, the mom.’ Being excited about that made me feel extreme guilt about being a mom. I felt extremely horrible for leaving the girls when I knew how sad they would be while I was gone. I know in that scenario two things can be true at once. As a mom, I can be someone who wants to be myself sometimes and have my career, and I can also be sad that I will be gone for a few days. Both of those can be true.

This feeling of “all or nothing” tends to become even more apparent when I make mistakes. If I make a mistake I instantly go to whatever the worst case scenario is to me. If I make a mistake at work, I instantly worry I will get fired. If I make a mistake as a mom, my mind goes directly to being the worst mom in the world. If I get too angry about something, I am a terrible person, etc. Those are terrible feelings to have. In theory, I know I am a human being and deserve grace, but I just can’t do that for myself. I never have been able to be kind to myself in that way.

Sometimes I really need to remind myself that two things in life can be true at one time. I can make mistakes and still be a good person. I can have human moments and still be a good person. I can make a mistake at work and still be a good employee. Even writing that is hard for me because seeing that makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t make mistakes like other people because that means I am a bad person. All I want to be is a good person. Hopefully, in time, I will be able to be less hard on myself and believe that two things can be true at once.