I struggle with this daily. Perfectionism is one of my biggest OCD challenges in life. Every time I make a mistake, I beat myself up. It is even worse having kids. I hate when I make mistakes in front of my daughters. It is really hard for me to be kind or forgiving to myself when they see me not being “perfect.” I know that perfection is never going to be attainable for me, but I really wish it could be with my daughters. Showing them that mistakes are okay is going to be one of my life goals so they don’t have to feel like I do when I make a mistake.

Controlling my emotions has always been a weakness of mine. I am one of the types of people that wears my emotions on my sleeves. If I am mad, angry, sad, or happy, you will know it. My face does not hide anything. Truly, it is something I like about myself but also something that I don’t like either. I will say before I was on Lexapro, I was way more out of control than I am now. Lexapro has really evened me out. However, I still have my moments. Those moments are the ones I wish my children never saw. It really eats me up inside.

Last week, I got very upset at a restaurant right in front of my kids. We had been outside for over an hour, and it was 85 degrees. The heat and I do not do well together. I remember I got upset because the waitress had not been being nice the whole dinner. I was with my larger, extended family of over 30 people. Anyway, I asked the waitress for some ranch, and she made a comment to me and then I just got upset. I actually ended up leaving. I raised my voice at my husband, sister, and mom and my daughters saw it. I felt terrible. Those are the moments I wish I could take back in life. I hate that my girls had to see my not so nice display of humanness.

I know that I am probably being too hard on myself for this situation, but I really do feel bad about it. That moment has been playing rent free in my head since it happened. I wish I could take it back. I know that my daughters would forgive me, but in my mind, it was a horrible mistake. My OCD always does this to me. Mistakes are the worst thing that I can do. If this happened to someone else, I know that I would tell them they were being way too hard on themselves and that their daughters love them no matter what. However when it comes to me, I can’t show myself that same grace. Sometimes, I just have to accept that I will be a human in front of my kids.