Growing up in my family, struggling with mental health was seen as a major weakness or flaw. If we had a struggle, it was best not to admit it. I always knew that it would be a huge disappointment if I was dealing with my own mental health struggle. I remember thinking I was crazy when I went through my first major OCD episode when I was 12. Being paralyzed with the fear of throwing up, not wanting to leave my room, and not wanting to go anywhere, including school, definitely disappointed my parents. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fix myself. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was.

When I started dealing with postpartum OCD, I knew I was definitely going to be a disappointment to my family. I felt the echo of my OCD episode when I was 12. I had no idea why I was all of a sudden terrified of being a murderer, being around my daughter, and being a monster. Even though it was really hard admitting my number one fear of being Andrea Yates to my parents, I am so glad I did. At the time they were disappointed, but it genuinely changed how my family views mental health struggles. My family and I can now be completely open with our struggles, and I don’t feel ashamed anymore. I feel free.

Unfortunately, I know there is a chance I can pass OCD on to my girls. It runs in my family. If that does happen, I always want to be able to be open with them about their own struggles. I have decided as a mom, to always be open with my girls about being human. In no way, will I ever try to portray that I am perfect and don’t make mistakes. I want Caia and Emmi to know they can always come talk to me about anything, and I will always be there for them. No mistake is too great for them to hide from me. We all make them. If they struggle with their own mental health, I will make sure they never feel alone.

Last weekend, I had a proud mom moment. I got to work at a community baby shower to provide resources for moms through PSI-WV and the WV Perinatal Partnership with Caia. I was asked to speak on maternal mental health. When I asked Caia what I should say, she responded “how about OCD?” Honestly, I felt so proud in that moment. As a 4-year-old, she normalized it in that moment. I felt amazed at her compassion. That day was a full circle moment for me because Caia was the daughter I struggled with severe postpartum OCD with, and now I get to bring her to help other families going through the same struggle. I know that I am heading in the right direction as a mom, and I will always be open about mental health struggles with my daughters.